Joke of the Day

[blsquires]

it was Friday morning and he was getting ready for work and he mad a bit of a noise putting the kettle on and making a cup of coffee.
his wife shouted do you have to make so much noise I am trying to sleep .he said all you do is sleep ,I have to go to work to earn money.
the row got worse and worse till eventually he slamed the front door and went to work.
he spent all day worrying about what he had said so on the way home he bought a huge bunch of red roses.
he went indoors and said to his wife, sorry love about this morning these roses are for you.
oh said his wife I suppose that means I will be on my back with my legs open all weekend.
he said sorry I thought we had a vase.

[Akitu]

A blond finds herself having serious money problems, she's lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

[Iowatech]

I thought this was funny, maybe you will too?
http://basicinstructions.net/basic-i...-happened.html

[Akitu]

The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity. The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: " and you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!" At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"

[blsquires]

little boy was 2hours late for school .the teacher said billy where have you been your 2 hours late for school.
he said sorry miss my dad got burned .she said I am sorry was it bad.he said they don't muck about down the crematorium

[slimslob]

This is an old one but I don't think that I have seen it here.

Ritchie Cunningham showed late for school one day.
The teacher asked him why he was late.
Ritchie replied "on my way to school I fell asleep on top of Blueberry Hill."

A few minutes later, a new girl in class also showed up late.
The teacher said "I suppose that that you fell asleep on top of Blueberry Hill also."

"No." she replied. "I am Blueberry Hill."

[Akitu]

A middle-aged mother of three goes to the bar with her girlfriends one night. She'd been preoccupied with work, family, and hadn't had time for herself in a long while. As the night progresses, the three women drink quite a bit, and start talking about things they normally wouldn't mention.
The first starts complaining about how loose her vagina has gotten: "my husband can fit a whole hand in there". "That's nothing," the second woman says. "My first husband could fit a whole hand, my second husband could fit both, and my current husband can even clap his hands."
The woman listens to her friends and has nothing to add to the conversation, but starts to seriously worry about her vagina. Has she also become so loose? Perhaps her husband isn't satisfied any more. She has let herself go perhaps. So when she gets home, she goes into the bathroom and tries to look at herself naked for the first time in years. She tries to lift up one leg to look at her crotch, but she can't quite see. She lifts the other leg, but it's uncomfortable, and she still can't see. She tries lifting her legs in front of the mirror, but the angle is not right. Finally, she has an idea: she takes the mirror off the wall, and lays it down on the floor. She spreads her legs above the mirror and tries to get a good look.
At that moment, her husband rushes in and tackles her, and they both fall onto the floor really hard. "What's wrong with you?!", the woman screams in shock, as she tries to push off her husband whom had fallen on top of her.
"Don't yell at me, I saved you! You were about to fall into that sink hole!"

[HenryT2]

Bird-Plane.jpg

[ZOOTECH]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[Brian8506]

CAPTAIN JACK'S SEAFOOD GRILLE ~

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner.
It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain
Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them,
they could ride their bikes there and Ann Emiliani, that cute girl in
Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed
they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because
the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band
was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet
at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was
near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be
too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses
wore low cut blouses and really tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice
wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and
they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy
and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet
at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.