You know that diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in the genes.
You know that diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in the genes.
"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a deadly calm says, "I'm going to count to three. If I get to three, I'm going to do what I did in the Winter of 76'." The whole bar freezes in terror at the cowboy.
"ONE"
No one moves a muscle.
"TWO"
Everyone's extremely nervous at this point.
"READY OR NOT.... THR--"
All of a sudden someone in the back stands up and says, "Hold on buddy! It was just a joke! your horse is in the back alley!" The cowboy smiles and starts to leave the canteen. The same guy who stood up calls out, "Hey! I just gotta know, what happened in the Winter of '76???" The cowboy turns around and says to him, "I had to walk home."
Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?
A guy sees A sign in front of a house for "Talking Dog For Sale"...
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten bucks."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like it, so I drank it.
it was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.
By the time we got down to the Tullamore Dew,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?
Why did Steve Irwin's sun screen get recalled?
It didn't protect him from harmful rays.
The man died the way he lived, with animals in his heart.
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I decided long ago, if there is a hell, I'm likely going to it, so I might as well aim to make my trip a first class ride.
Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?
Helen Keller walks into a bar. Then a chair. Then a table.
It's a new priest's first day in church and he has to listen to confessions. A woman goes to sit inside the booth and says: 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob.'
The priest isn't sure what the punishment for blowjobs is, so he asks one of the altar boys about the bishop's punishments: 'Timmy, what does the bishop give for blowjobs?'
'Normally, he gives me a Mars bar.'
The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking
Cat walks into a bar and orders a glass of water. Bartender stares at him for a moment then ask "Are you going to drink it or just knock it over on purpose?
The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking
American tourists visit Russia and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.
Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking vodka. Suddenly they see screaming crazy Americans running over the campsite, tipping over the picknick tables, breaking bottles, and then disappearing into the thick woods.
The campers are pissed, so they catch up on the tourists and start beating them up until the last one hits the ground. Then they return to the campsite.
Back at the campsite one camper to another "You know Vassily, that American - he put up a pretty good fight". "Which one?". "Well you know, the one in the fur coat".
Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?
Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?
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