How To Hypnotize a Man:
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How To Hypnotize a Man:
New Page 3
4 Golfers
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Policeman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Policeman fumed, 'What's with those guys? We have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese Businessman yelled out 'Get moving, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper, maybe he can do something about this' 'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls'
The Policeman said, 'Why the fuck don't they play at night?
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work.
"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" she said.
"Great, tell me what you're so happy about!" he replied.
"I'm pregnant!" she said.
He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh honey, there's more!"
He asked, "What do you mean, 'more?'"
She said, "Well, we aren't having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
A few from the archives...
The main reason blind people don't skydive is it scares the hell out of the seeing eye dog.
The difference between light and hard is you can sleep with a light on.
You might be a redneck if...
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
Got this one at the Chiropractor's office (where we techs end up after lifting too many machines):
During Thanksgiving a woman is cooking a Turkey with stuffing. Her mother and sister invent some reason for her to leave for a short while and while she is gone they removed the stuffing and inserted a cornish hen in the opening. Then restuffed the turkey and put it back in the oven. Later when she returned and the turkey was finished, imagine the surprise to find the cornish hen inside the turkey when she removed the stuffing. Her mother said, "You cooked a pregnant turkey!" Well she became so upset that she threw her back out and her sister had to make an chiropractic appointment for her. They asked the doctor to reassure her that turkeys lay eggs and cant be pregnant.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Coke in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!".
Ones I like but won't say if they are funny!!!
Three men walk into a bar...
"What do you think this is" says the bar man " a joke..."
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A vicar hires a decorator to paint the church hall, however there is little money to do the job so to make the paint go further the decorator thins it down and does the job.
However he thins it down so much that after a couple of months it is starting to peel and look as bad as ever.
Seeing this the vicar calls the decorator on the phone to get him back in to redo the job, however he only gets his voicemail so decides to leave the following message - "Repaint, repaint, thin no more..."
The impossible is easy - miracles take a little longer
So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late.
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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:"You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren't yours.Get a lawyer.And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
A man dies and goes to heaven. He looks around the white fluff, and notices thousands of clocks all about, all set at different times.
He reaches the gates, and asks St.Peter, what's with all the clocks. He replies, "They're lie clocks, everytime someone lies, the hands move a little, every human had one."
The man points at one and asks, "Who's is that?" St.Peter replies, "Mother Teresa's, it still at twelve o'clock, meaning she never lied in her whole life."
"Who clock is that?" "Abraham Lincoln's, it's at 12:02, he only lied twice in his entire life."
The man wonders, "Where's George W. Bushes clock?" St.Peter replies, "In Jesus' office, he using it as a ceiling fan."
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the local shopping center.
A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colors; green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, God?" The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."
"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
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