Thanks Thanks:  0
Likes Likes:  0
Dislikes Dislikes:  0
Page 10 of 13 FirstFirst 12345678910111213 LastLast
Results 91 to 100 of 128

Thread: Jokes

  1. #91
    Senior Tech 100+ Posts
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    166
    Rep Power
    0

    Talking Cannibals

    A group of cannibals decided to have their own olympic games.
    During the track and field events, some of the games officials were killed and eaten.

    The racing cannibals were all fined the same amount of money.

    Several of the cannibals were upset because they never had a starter.
    Last edited by Morlock49; 06-02-2010 at 11:33 PM. Reason: spelling mistake
    Sorry folks, reputation removed by Just Manuals, because he's a sad little wanker

  2. #92
    Major Asshole! 2,500+ Posts
    Jokes

    mrwho's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Combing the desert!
    Posts
    4,293
    Rep Power
    86
    Everybody knows cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
    ' "But the salesman said . . ." The salesman's an asshole!'
    Mascan42

    'You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves.'

    Ibid

    I'm just an ex-tech lurking around and spreading disinformation!

  3. #93
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Jokes

    10871087's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    1,146
    Rep Power
    61
    Quote Originally Posted by mrwho View Post
    A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

    One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him "Juan".

    Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

    Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
    I like that one.

  4. #94
    Service Manager 250+ Posts
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Kennewick Wa
    Posts
    275
    Rep Power
    34
    Quote Originally Posted by Morlock49 View Post
    The corporate boat race

    An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River.
    Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
    The Japanese team won by a mile.

    Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged.
    Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
    A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
    Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

    The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
    After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing."
    To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

    The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

    The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
    This is not a joke.

    This is the real world.

    Rob S

  5. #95
    I can turn a screw... 250+ Posts pacman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Phoenix, AZ
    Posts
    306
    Rep Power
    34
    What did the leper say to the hooker?

    "Just keep the tip...."

  6. #96
    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    The Republic of Pineland
    Posts
    4,716
    Rep Power
    134
    A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

    "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.

    "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

    "The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  7. #97
    Major Asshole! 2,500+ Posts
    Jokes

    mrwho's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Combing the desert!
    Posts
    4,293
    Rep Power
    86
    Usually the joke ends with "Sick him, Jesus!"
    ' "But the salesman said . . ." The salesman's an asshole!'
    Mascan42

    'You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves.'

    Ibid

    I'm just an ex-tech lurking around and spreading disinformation!

  8. #98
    How'd ya manage that? 1,000+ Posts
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    NoneOfYoiurBusinessVille
    Posts
    1,026
    Rep Power
    60
    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

    'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

    'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

    'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

    After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

    'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

    'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

    'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

    'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

    'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

    'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

    'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

    'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

    'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

    'Tripod?'

    'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'


    Mrs. Smith fainted

  9. #99
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts HenryT2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Land Mass
    Posts
    962
    Rep Power
    49
    Questions

    If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
    If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
    If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
    Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
    What do chickens think we taste like?
    What do people in China call their good plates?
    What do you call a male ladybug?
    What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
    When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
    When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?
    Which is the other side of the street?
    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
    Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
    Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows"?
    Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

  10. #100
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Jokes

    prntrfxr's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Living in Exile
    Posts
    1,638
    Rep Power
    58
    If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
    If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
    If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
    Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
    What do chickens think we taste like?
    What do people in China call their good plates?
    What do you call a male ladybug?
    What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
    When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
    When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?
    Which is the other side of the street?
    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
    Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
    Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows"?
    Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
    I like these. It doesn't call for answers, but I thought it would be fun. Answers in order:
    Yes
    Red
    No, just dizzy
    You listen to it, you don't use it. Who still listens to AM anyway?
    Nasty
    They don't call dishes China, because they're already there. They just call them dishes.
    Mr ladybug
    N/A or None
    Dog taste testers. Given a choice they pick the best one. Of course, they have to be nearly starving to eat the stuff, which is why our dogs beg at the table. Who'd want to eat that stuff anyway?
    They used the sun, moon, & stars. Then they guessed
    The other side from where you're standing.
    They caught a ride with one of the animals and it was too dark in the ark. Have you ever tried to swat a mosquito in the dark? It's hard enough to kill them in the light.
    To prevent infections, make the needle go in easier, and to scare the crap out of the criminal before he dies.
    Because no air dries it out
    "...ultimately originates as a diminutive of Hellenistic Greek mustax (mustak-) "moustache", probably derived from Hellenistic Greek mullon "lip"." - Wikipedia
    You can shoot them. With a camera.
    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Coke in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!".

Get the Android App
click or scan for the Copytechnet Mobile App

-= -= -= -= -=


IDrive Remote Backup

Lunarpages Internet Solutions

Advertise on Copytechnet

Your Link Here