Jokes

**banginbishop** · 12-24-2009

Paul McCartney was on X factor the other night playing a piano. Nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change.

**banginbishop** · 12-24-2009

I got thrown out of McDonalds this morning, the girl serving me said could she make it large for 30p - i replied she already had but could she wa*k me off for a £1

**banginbishop** · 12-24-2009

Dozy twat walks into the doctors and punches him in the face "you fuc*in arse tellin my wife she had a nice fanny" Doc says " i told her she had acute angina!"

**Morlock49** · 01-07-2010

What did the left nut say to the right nut?
The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!

**Morlock49** · 01-07-2010

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

**mrwho** · 01-07-2010

This woman, checking out at the hotel, takes a cab ride to the airport.

Surprisingly the cab driver doesn't say a word the entire trip, nothing about the weather, nothing about the other drivers, completely silent.

Halfway, she wanted to ask something and, as she was opening her mouth to get his attention, she touches him in the shoulder. The man screamed "HOLY CRAP! WHAT THE F*CK?", while swerving suddenly to the other lane and almost hitting a couple of cars head-on.

Braking next to the sidewalk, white as chalk, he turned back to the lady, who in turn said to him: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, I just wanted to ask something."

He replied "No problem, ma'am. It's just that this is my first day as a cab driver. You see, before taking this job, I've been a hearse driver for twenty-five years."