Jokes

[Morlock49]

This is a true headline from the Dothan Eagle newspaper Fri Jan 22nd 2010
this is after we had some heavy rain over night

"Restaraunt Flooded.... Cow drowns"

[Morlock49]

An old married couple go to visit their son for a holiday
After unpacking, the father goes to the bathroom where he see's some blue pills in the medicine cabinet.
He asks his son what they were and his son replies that they are Viagra tablets.
His dad asks the son if he could try one.
The son says they are expensive and cost $10 each. So if the dad wants one he would have to pay for it.

The next morning the son goes into the bathroom and sees $110 dollars next to the Viagra.
He asks his dad about the money.
the father replies "Son, $10 is from me, the other $100 is from your mother"

[Jules Winfield]

A gun-toting guy wearing a ski mask walks into a sperm bank and points his gun at the lady behind the counter. "This isn't that kind of bank" says the frightened lady. The guy yells "Go get a sample!". She does. He then says, "Now open it up and drink it!". In fear for her life, she quickly complies. The guy then removes his mask to reveal himself as the lady's husband and says, "See, now was that so bad?"

[mrwho]

In the confessionary:

"Father, yesterday I made love to my wife nine times."

"But son, if it was with your wife, you commited no sin!"

"But father, it was nine times! I had to come and tell someone!"

[Morlock49]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

The Brain said "I should be in charge,because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
The Blood said "No! I should be in charge, because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
Finally the Rectum said "I should be in charge, because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, thelegs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery, and theblood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge

[ZOOTECH]

Square Testicles


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you
$25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that
there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'

[OMD-227]

A man goes for a new job at the local Blacksmith.

The Blacksmith asks "So.... have you ever shoed a horse before"

The man replies "no..... but I've told a donkey to get stuffed"

[mrwho]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him "Juan".

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[mikadonovan]

LOL. That's so bad it's good!

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him "Juan".

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[mrwho]

The best one I've read today (I had read it before, but had forgotten all about it until just now):