For us older techs

[ZOOTECH]

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of
50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus
creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE ( Retire Aged People Early ).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered
for the SHAFT program ( Special Help After Forced Termination ).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program ( System Covering Retired-Early Workers ).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
Congress deems appropriate..

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS ( Additional Income for
Dependents & Spouse ) or HERPES ( Half Earnings for Retired personnel
Early Severance ).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
( Special High Intensity Training ) as possible. Congress has always
prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT , please bring
this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to
give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives ( E.V.I.L. )

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as
current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[fixthecopier]

I guess I won't be getting RAPED any time soon, as I have been given SHIT on a regular basis for years,

[Ianizer]

Consider yourself lucky. I remember the first memo...

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Subject: SPECIAL TRAINING

TO: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST.(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

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-I