Joke of the Day

[ZOOTECH]

A group of bikers were riding west on I-40 when they saw
a girl about to jump off the Merrimack River Bridge.

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks
through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to
talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss
this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump,
Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just
that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by
another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from
his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent
you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why
the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

[blsquires]

young bloke goes to meet his mother in law for the first time.she said you must stay for dinner .that would be lovely he said .
it turned out to be a huge roast dinner ,the only problem was it had peas on the plate and if he ate peas he farted .
he noticed rover the dog was under the table so he thought ther dog would get the blame ,so he quickly ate all the peas.ma in law seeing he had eaten them all gave him another helping .lo and behold he let one rip ,ma in law looked under the table and shouted get out rover and the dog went outside .a little later he snuck in under the table again ,so the youg fellow lets another one rip.once again ma in law said ,i told you to get out rover ,now get out and stay out .the dog went out but a little bit later he snuck in under the table again .so the young fellow lets another loud and smelly one go .
ma in law shouted ,get out rover before he shits on you.

[ZOOTECH]

The Top Country & Western Songs:

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is:

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

[paulrid]

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in London and sees card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk. The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies."Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist." "You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination." "There's a starting annual salary of £85,000,.....................but you're going to have to go to Glasgow .." "Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks. "No," replied the assistant, "That's where the end of the queue is."

[ZOOTECH]

A wife, being the romantic sort sent her husband a text:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!"

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied;

“I am sitting on the commode. Please advise."

[ZOOTECH]

Senior Love Making

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening.
They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite their ages, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course, and with age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in his/her own thoughts.

Claude was thinking, If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.
Maude was thinking, If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.

[gwaddle]

Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, your son.

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow… Love, Mom.

[Shadow]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'


'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'


'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.


And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...


'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?

[gwaddle]

Funny

[gwaddle]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmanns mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?