Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #1011
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    THOUGHTS



    As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,

    I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's rear anymore.

    .. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

    .. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

    .. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

    .. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

    And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

    Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,

    the good fortune to remember the ones I do,

    And the eyesight to tell the difference.


    Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:


    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


    2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.


    3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.


    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


    5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


    6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?


    7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.


    8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.


    9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.


    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.


    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.


    12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


    13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.


    14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.


    15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.


    16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.


    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


    18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to
    get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".


    19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


    20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........?


    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  2. #1012
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts DWise's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I know many of you (like me) are looking forward to football season. Well, here's a little recap of last year...

    Coincidence? Just wondering...


    Alabama beat Arkansas and they fired the coach.

    Alabama beat Tennessee and they fired the coach.

    Alabama beat Auburn and they fired the coach.

    Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigned.

    I wish the White House would have had a team...

    Do for one what you wished you could do for everyone. - Andy Stanley

  3. #1013
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The Itch

    Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

    The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

    The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

    The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

    The moral of the story............

    Pay your bills!!!




    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  4. #1014
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts gwaddle's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    This one sounds about right.

    Attached Images Attached Images
    I know I should be ashamed of myself. Strangely though, I am not.

  5. #1015
    Adeptus Mechanicus Magos 500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A bloke goes to hospital with a light bulb hanging out of his arse.
    "How did this happen?" asked the nurse.
    "I had a really shit idea" he replied.

    A man goes for an interview to be a blacksmith. The smithy asks him "Have you ever shoed a horse before?"
    "No" the man replies, "but I've told a donkey to f**k off!"


    First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.
    Somewhere, there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.....

    A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."

    The impossible is easy - miracles take a little longer
    So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late.

  6. #1016
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Thumbs up Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by mjarbar View Post
    A bloke goes to hospital with a light bulb hanging out of his arse.
    "How did this happen?" asked the nurse.
    "I had a really shit idea" he replied.

    A man goes for an interview to be a blacksmith. The smithy asks him "Have you ever shoed a horse before?"
    "No" the man replies, "but I've told a donkey to f**k off!"


    First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.
    Somewhere, there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.....

    A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."

    you have really made my day..

    THANK YOU!!

    .OK Google! ... will I need Berrocca this morning?
    Firmwares HERE

  7. #1017
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts gwaddle's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

    "Is this yours?" he asked.

    She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

    On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"

    He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

    The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

    "No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
    (sorry...hehehe)




    I know I should be ashamed of myself. Strangely though, I am not.

  8. #1018
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    Joke of the Day

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    Smile Re: Joke of the Day

    he went to the doctor and said its about my wife and i ,our lovmaking just isnt what it used to be ,no earth shaking or fireworks or anything.
    the doctor said i had the same trouble and i bought a starting pistol and right at the last moment i fired it in the air and it was fantastic just like when we first made love.i will lend you the starting pistol so give it a go.
    a few weeks later the doctor saw the man on the street.he said where is my starting pistol .the man said i threw it away .the doctor not too happy said why the heck did you do that .the bloke said i will tell you .we were having a 69 and at the last moment i pulled your dam gun from under the pillow and fired it in the air.
    she bit 2 inches of the end pooped on my chest and a man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up


  9. #1019
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts DWise's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender!

    The robot says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Whiskey."

    The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "168."

    The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

    The guy leaves, but he is curious... So he goes back into the bar.

    The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Whiskey."

    Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "100."

    The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.

    The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

    He goes back into the bar.

    The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.

    The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

    The robot leans in real close and says, "SO... you people still happy with Obama?"

    Do for one what you wished you could do for everyone. - Andy Stanley

  10. #1020
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts gwaddle's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Oil Change instructions for Women

    1) Pull up to Canadian Tire when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

    2) Drink a cup of coffee.

    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent: Oil Change $20.00

    Coffee $1.00

    Total $21.00

    Oil Change instructions for Men

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

    2) Stop by supermarket and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

    3) Open a beer and drink it.

    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7) Place drain pan under engine.

    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10) Unscrew drain plug.

    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

    20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

    21) Walk to supermarket; buy beer.

    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

    27) Drink beer.

    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

    30) Drink beer.

    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

    33) Begin cussing fit.

    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

    36) Beer.

    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

    38) Beer.

    39) Beer.

    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    41) Beer.

    42) Lower car from jack stands.

    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

    45) Beer.

    46) Test drive car.

    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

    48) Car gets impounded.

    49) Call loving wife, make bail.

    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent: Parts $50.00

    DUI $2500.00

    Impound fee $75.00

    Bail $1500.00

    Beer $40.00

    Total: $4,165.00




    I know I should be ashamed of myself. Strangely though, I am not.

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