Joke of the Day

[blsquires]

couple from the UK on holiday in the US and the wife made friends with a skunk ,she really loved this little skunk and she cried when it was time to go home .she said to her husband i wish we could smuggle the skunk home .he said we can all you have to do is put it down your knickers and wear a long coat they wont know its there.what about the smell she said.he said if it dies it dies.

[mrwho]

Police in New Jersey pulled over what they thought was a drunk driver and it turned out to be a couple engaging in oral sex. The officers issued a stern warning and a high five.

[mjarbar]

Mike a Scouser is on a trip around North America. One day he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada Desert, and is chatting to the bartender, when he spots a native American Indian wearing full tribal gear sitting at the opposite end of the bar. "Wow" says Mike, "Who's the guy in the Indian gear?"

"That's Red Bear, he's the most amazing memory man ever, ask him anything and he'll give you the correct answer." "Really"? replies Mike sceptically. "Go check him out if you don't believe me" says the bartender.

Mike walks over, and thinks he can stump him by asking him a question about English football.
"Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final? " he asked.
"Liverpool" comes the swift reply.
Mike is amazed and asks "And who did they beat?"
"Leeds" replies the memory man.
"What was the final score?"
"Two-one" he replies in a flash.
Mike is very impressed, but thinks he can catch the memory man out with his final question. "Who scored the winning goal?"
Without hesitation, the memory man replies, "Ian St John."

Mike is stunned, and on his return home tells everyone about the Indian memory man. That day lingers in his mind, and he vows to go back one day to pay his respects to him. Ten years later, he has enough money saved for a return trip, and after weeks of searching in the Nevada Desert, he eventually finds the memory man living in a cave. Mike steps forward, bows, and greets the memory man in the traditional manner.
"How" says Mike.
The memory man squints at him and replies: Diving header in the six yard box."

[Lagonda]

Bad Pun Warning!!

OK, its Monday morning and heres a real crook one to start the week with.

Jorge Mario Bergoglio was not the Cardinals' first choice to be the new pope, and to become Pope Francis. Their first choice was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.

Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting bombers until his aircraft
was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an
explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three
days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy. They felt that the Church would never accept a ................ are you ready for this? its a bad one..............



a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

Well I did warn you!

[blsquires]

three blokes sitting in the bar when in walks this big guy.one bloke said thats red adair ,the bloke that uses dynamite to put out oil well fires.old harry (one of the three) was very deaf .bill said to tom thats not red adair.tom said yes it is i will go and ask him.he went to where red was sitting and said excuse me but are you red adair .yes said the man .tom said i have always admired what you do can i buy you a beer.thanks said red.jim went back and said i told you it was him .bill said i dont believe you i will go and ask him.he went over and said
excuse me but are you red adair .yes said the man .well i would like to shake your hand and buy you a beer.thanks said red.

poor old deaf harry was sitting there and he said whats going on ,so they said that bloke over there is red addair.harry said i dont think so i will go and ask him.
he went over and said are you red addair ,yes said red






harry said good to meet you

hows ginger rodgers

[fixthecopier]

Before everyone had indoor plumbing, there was the good old outhouse. One summer Little Johnny was staying out at his grandfathers farm. Grandpa like to show off and so his outhouse was a 2 seater. One day little Johnny went in to do some business and grandpa was already there, doing his business. As Johnny went in, grandpa was standing up, pulling his pants up and a silver dollar fell out of his pocket and went down in the hole. He paused for a moment, looking down the hole, then pulled out a $20 bill and threw it in.

"Grandpa, what did you do that for?" little Johnny exclaimed.

"Well boy, you didn't think I was going down there for just a dollar, did you?"

[blsquires]

little boy sitting on the grass playing with a worm .grandad said what you doing boy,he said i am trying to get this worm back in its hole.
grandad laughed and said if you do it i will give you 50 cents.grandad went back indoors .a little while later the boy went running in .ive done it ,ive done it.
grandad said show me and they went outside and the boy showed him pushing the worm in and out of the hole .grandad said how did you do that .easy said the boy i got mummys hair spray and sprayed the worm lots of times and it worked.well done said grandad i havnt got the 50 cents on me but i will give it to you tommorrow.next day grandad turned up and said here is the 50 cents i promised you and here is a dollar from your granny

[fixthecopier]

[fixthecopier]

A human resources manager had a position to fill. It just so happens that this man had lost both of his ears in a fire. He was very sensitive about it. When the firt man went in, the manager said that the job requires observation skills and ask the man to make an observation about him.

"You got no ears!" the man blurted out.

The manager became enraged and threw the man out.

The second man went in and was ask the same question. "Your ears are missing" he said and was promptly ask to leave. On the way out he told the third man to be sure and not mention his lack of ears.

When the third man went in and was ask the same question he replied, "You wear contact lens" he said. "Well done!" said the manager, "How did you know?"

"Well, you got no fucking ears to hang your glasses from"

[Shadow1]

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY

6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269


Dear John Doe,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose, baggy, and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up a bit using Super Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.


Yours very truly,

Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.

VD/abc