Joke of the Day

[Shadow]

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing),

"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

[ZOOTECH]

One day while playing golf I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and accomplished golfer, living
in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and called out,
“Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It’s Mark, and I’m OK, thanks" I replied.
"Mark, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while,
and then I'll help you get the cart back on its wheels."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered
”But I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," she insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, yet added,
"But my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy and a brief sit in the shade,
I thanked my hostess. "I feel a lot better now,
but I know my wife is going to be very upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I replied....

[mjarbar]

This is a 'groan-er'

Why did Mr Ohm want to marry Mrs Ohm?
Because he couldn't resistor.
But when he kept going down the pub she was solenoid!!!

A man is walking around a supermarket shouting, "Mazola! Mazola!
The manager comes up to him and says: "Excuse me sir, but the Mazola's in aisle five."
"No. I'm not really looking for Mazola" replies the man. "I'm calling my wife."
"Your wife is called Mazola?" asks the manager puzzled.
"It's a sort of nickname" says the man, "but I only call her that in public."
And what do you call her at home?" enquires the manager.
"Lard- Arse" the man replies.

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and runs back to his master.
"So, how many sheep are there?"
"Forty" replies the dog.
"How can there be forty?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know" says the dog, But I rounded them up for you."

What do you call a melon that's not allowed to get married?
Can't elope.

A man was alerted to the sound of the Bee Gees coming from his fridge. When he opened the door he found it was just chives talking.

[Akitu]

Yesterday, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought "That's a little condescending".

[Debs1964]

This is a 'groan-er'

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and runs back to his master. "So, how many sheep are there?" "Forty" replies the dog. "How can there be forty?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!" "I know" says the dog, But I rounded them up for you."

GROAN LOL

[Gamut]

Talking to an age old copier tech friend the other day I mentioned the aches and pains I've started to feel and told him I'm feeling my 50+ years,
he whole heartedly disagreed saying he felt like a baby, quoting: he's lost all his teeth, gone bald and thought he'd just p*ssed himself.

[emujo]

I noticed something the other day, when my wife is driving with me I can get really annoyed when she says "you should go this way", or "traffic is lighter on this street", and so on, but my GPS is a woman's voice doing the exact same thing and I follow her instructions almost all the time...Emujo

[HenryT2]

Have you noticed the " AD CHOICES " at the bottom of this page ?

If you click on " Joke Of The Day " the first thing shown on the google search is " HP Printer Support " .
Seriously ? .... ( I was scared to click on the link )

[Akitu]

Have you noticed the " AD CHOICES " at the bottom of this page ?

If you click on " Joke Of The Day " the first thing shown on the google search is " HP Printer Support " .
Seriously ? .... ( I was scared to click on the link )

Didn't you know? That's not an ad, HP Printer Support is the best joke of all time. Fits in perfectly well with this thread.

[ZOOTECH]

I noticed something the other day, when my wife is driving with me I can get really annoyed when she says "you should go this way", or "traffic is lighter on this street", and so on, but my GPS is a woman's voice doing the exact same thing and I follow her instructions almost all the time...Emujo

That woman in the GPS is a b1tch, and has no idea where you want to go, at least in my opinion.