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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #101
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts kingarthur's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by ZOOTECH View Post
    That's what "selective hearing" is all about, and at my age, I have a valid excuse for shutting it down.

    I have something better than "selective hearing".....they're called hearing aids....its strange how often that they "malfunction"....
    Tip for the day; Treat every problem as your dog would.....If you cant eat it or f*ck it....then p*ss on it & walk away...

  2. #102
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts igi's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by prntrfxr View Post
    Goes to show you what happens when guys get cheap.
    We not cheap,we are adventerous.


  3. #103
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by prntrfxr View Post
    Goes to show you what happens when guys get cheap.


    I am on my 2nd model...and I got very lucky the 2nd time around..this one's a keeper!!

  4. #104
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    ZOOTECH's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter.
    When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.'
    Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference.
    He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.


    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  5. #105
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    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I truly can understand these kind's of Mondays!
    The Pharmacist's Monday
    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

    "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

    Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
    Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

    "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

    "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

    "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."


    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
    register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
    I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
    the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the
    open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase
    with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the
    floor and broke."

    "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
    back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
    rectal thermometer.

    And believe me mister, as God ismy witness, all I did was tell her."

  6. #106
    Service Manager 250+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Brian8506 View Post
    I truly can understand these kind's of Mondays!
    The Pharmacist's Monday
    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

    "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

    Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
    Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

    "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

    "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

    "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."


    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
    register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
    I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
    the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the
    open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase
    with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the
    floor and broke."

    "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
    back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
    rectal thermometer.

    And believe me mister, as God ismy witness, all I did was tell her."

    And I thought I had a bad day.

    Rob S

  7. #107
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Man and his wife are out shopping for groceries one day.

    The Man remove 12VB cans of beer off the shelf an puts them in their shopping trolley.
    The Wife turns to him and says "What do you think are doin?"
    The man replies "They're on special $10 for 12 cans".
    The Wife says "Put them back. We cant afford it!".

    They carry on shopping...

    Few aisles later, the wife picks up $20 jar of face cream, and puts it in the shopping trolley.
    The Man says "What do you think you doin?"
    The Wife says "It's face cream, it makes me look beautiful."
    The Man replies "SO DOES 12 CANS OF VB, AND IT'S HALF THE F@#!$& PRICE!"
    What if we could count the stars... , what number would you stop at...?"
    [Exchange manual acquisitions, PM's CTN members only. ]
    [] |N | | o | M | Δ | t | π | | x | []

  8. #108
    Service Manager 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    JustManuals's Avatar
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    Cool Re: Joke of the Day




    No translation needed.

    Paul@justmanuals.com

  9. #109
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by kingarthur View Post
    I have something better than "selective hearing".....they're called hearing aids....its strange how often that they "malfunction"....
    Not a joke but the actual truth, some time ago on one of her trips around the world my mother-in-law stayed with my parents in the UK. I rang my father up and asked him what it was like sharing a house with my mother and mother-in-law, he said "I've no idea, I turned my hearing aid off a week ago!"
    At least 50% of IT is a solution looking for a problem.

  10. #110
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    ZOOTECH's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Observations on Growing Older

    ~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them....but your grandchildren are perfect!


    ~Going out is good..

    Coming home is better!

    ~When people say you look "Great"...
    They add "for your age!"

    ~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.

    Now you get discounts on everything...
    Movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

    ~You forget names.... But it's OK
    because other people forgotthey even knew you!!!

    ~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
    is now 15 and you have a better chanceof losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

    ~You realize you're never going
    to be really good at anything.... Especially golf.

    ~Your spouse is counting on you
    to remember things you don't remember.

    ~The things you used to care to do,
    you no longer care to do,but you really do care that youdon't care to do them anymore.

    ~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair
    with the TV blaring than he or she does in bed.It's called their "pre-sleep".

    ~Remember when your mother said,
    "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

    ~You used to say,
    "I hope my kids GET married...
    Now, "I hope they STAY married!"


    ~You miss the days when everything worked
    with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

    ~When GOOGLE, ipod...email...modem....were unheard of.....and a mouse was
    something
    that made you climb on a table

    ~You tend to use more 4 letter words ....

    "what?"..."when?"... ???


    ~Now that you can afford
    expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

    ~Your husband/wife has a night out with the guys or gals
    but is home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

    ~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

    ~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

    ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.


    ~Everybody whispers.

    ~Now that your spouse has retired .....

    You'd give anything if he/she would find a job!

    ~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .....

    2 of which you will never wear.


    ~~~~But old is good in some things:

    Old songs,
    Old movies,
    And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!


    Love you, "OLD FRIEND!"
    Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and
    let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

    It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived

    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

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