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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #111
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Best Medicine

    During a physical exam, a doctor remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily
    ruddy complexion. The patient replied, "High blood pressure, doc. It comes
    from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's side?" asked the doctor.

    "Neither." replied the patient. "My wife!"



    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  2. #112
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts HenryT2's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by campy View Post
    I haven't read all the jokes so I hope this is not a repeat.

    There are 2 canibals in the woods eating a clown when one turns to the other and ask. Does this taste funny to you?
    There were two cannibals walking down the road......along came a car and one of the cannibals threw up a hand .

    "The Senility Prayer" . . .
    God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

  3. #113
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    ::: I'll never do it again :::

    King Billy Cokebottle was having a heavy drinking night out with his mates.

    He staggers over to a taxi and asks the driver if he has room for a pizza and case of beer .

    The taxi driver says "yeah, why ?"

    So he barfs up a pizza and a case of beer all through the taxi...

    What if we could count the stars... , what number would you stop at...?"
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  4. #114
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I was driving down the road the other day, and I saw a hitch-hiker thumping down the road on one leg.
    As I got closer I could see the poor guy had no arms. I suspect he was a veteran of some war.
    As I got closer still I could see the bloke had 3 eyes. Whoa "I said to myself."

    Well I screeched the car to a screeming halt, wound down the window and said "Eye,eye,eye you look armless, hopin" ....

    What if we could count the stars... , what number would you stop at...?"
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  5. #115
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    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by NeoMatrix View Post
    Well I screeched the car to a screeming halt, wound down the window and said "Eye,eye,eye you look armless, hopin" ....
    Must be an Aussie thing - It didn't translate to english very well...

    Be careful in teaching your children it is acceptable to abort an inconvenient unplanned pregnancy because they may also determine it is acceptable to euthanize an inconvenient elderly parent.

  6. #116
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    From an old song:

    Well, a Scottsman clad in Kilt left a bar one evening fair,
    and one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
    He staggered 'round until he could no longer keep his feet,
    then he stumbled off into the brush to sleep beside the street.

    Chorus:
    Ring ding diddle iddle aye de oh
    ring dye dlddley aye oh.

    He stumbled off into the brush to sleep beside the street.

    About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by,
    and one said to the other with a twinkle in her eye
    "See yon sleeping Scottsman so strong and handsome built,
    I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their Kilt?"

    (Chorus)
    I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt?

    They crept up on that sleeping Scottsman quiet as can be,
    and lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see,
    and there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
    T'was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

    (Chorus)
    T'was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

    They marveled for a moment then on said, "We must be gone.
    Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
    And so they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
    around the bonnie star the Scott's Kilt did lift and show.

    (Chorus)
    around the bonnie star the Scott's Kilt did lift and show.

    The Scottsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward the trees.
    He lifted up a kilt and gawks at what he sees,
    and in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
    "Oh, Lad I don't know where 'ya been, but I see 'ya won first prize!"

    (Chorus)
    "Oh, Lad I don't know where 'ya been, but I see 'ya won first prize!"

    Be careful in teaching your children it is acceptable to abort an inconvenient unplanned pregnancy because they may also determine it is acceptable to euthanize an inconvenient elderly parent.

  7. #117
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    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The Tossers - Seven Drunken Nights.wmv - YouTube

    The Tosser's Seven Drunken Nights

    I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. ~Thomas Edison

  8. #118
    just one copy?? 500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Little Johnny says to his father "Dad, did you know cats stutter?"
    Dad replies "No, I didn't, what do you mean?"
    "well, today I saw a dog running at a cat and the cat said fff fff fff but before he could say f*%k the dog ate him."


    And another

    Little Johnny was in class and the teacher asked if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence.
    Johnny said "me and dad were driving down the road the other day and there was a truckie who had lost a load of spuds. Dad said its gunna take that poor contagious to pick all of those up."

    I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. ~Thomas Edison

  9. #119
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Billy : What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
    Morten : No idea
    Billy : Good dare bro.
    Billy : What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs ?
    Morten : Still no idea.
    Billy : You heard this one before dare bro ?
    Morten : Nah!
    Billy : What do you call a deer with no eyes , no legs and no willy ?
    Morten : Oh god damn dare bro, still no F@#$^&! idea.
    Billy : .....!.....

    What if we could count the stars... , what number would you stop at...?"
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  10. #120
    PHD in Sh!t Disturbing 250+ Posts Shadow's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    *I was at the store late the other night; the last customer. *

    *The Cute girl at the register said, “Strip Down, Facing Me.” *

    *It was much later when it dawned on me;.... she was talking about swiping my Debit Card. *

    *The Good news is, bail is not nearly as expensive as I thought it would be. *



    $hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.........................................................................Lock & Load

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