Joke of the Day

[skynet]

A 5 year old girl wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into her parents' room. she sees mummy riding daddy.

She shrieks: "Mummy, what are you doing?", the mother replies "Well, daddy's got a big tummy so I get on top to help flatten it down."

The girl replies: " You're wasting your time, mummy, cos when you're out shopping, the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up".

[Shadow]

Well, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,how about giving a senior citizen a break?'He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.Then he started writing more tickets.This went on for about 20 minutes.The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

[mrwho]

Does the combination of PMS and chocolate mean anything to you? For your enlightenment, the chocolate is in the middle of the feminine products....

Ah, so that's chocolate. I get it now.

And no, it doesn't mean anything to me - my wife enjoys chocolate everytime!

[NeoMatrix]

Man walks into a bookstore and asks the shopkeeper if they have the new self-help book for men with small cocks. She says, "I don't think it's in yet." He replies, "Yeah that's the one".

Three little words that destroy a mans confidence : is , it , in.

Q. What do you name a man with a short appendage ?

A. Justin

Q. How do you define women who has lost her entire bottom.

A. Disaster

Q. What do you call a women you is esthesically challenged ?

A. Edna Likeahorse.

Q. What do you name a Russian Prostitute ?

A. Onya Backabit.

................

[jonezy999]

Three little words that destroy a mans confidence : is , it , in.



Q. What do you name a Russian Prostitute ?



................

A. Slobberedon Macock Yabitch. Or is that Serbia?

[Shadow]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."

[Shadow1]

Two lifelong Irish friends were sitting around one if their deathbeds not long ago (my apologies to the Irish here on the list, but as I'm a mutt, I take the liberty of poking fun at all parts of my lineage) and one says to the other, "O'Malley! Ye've me friend since we wuz both wee lads. Knee high to a grasshopper we was, and as I'll be drawin' me last breath 'fore we see the sun agin I'll be askin' one last favor of ye. Tucked in the back of me sock drawer is a bottle of the finest scotch whiskey in all the land... corked and sealed the day I was hatched, me pappy said. I've admired it many a day what was long in the field, but short in the pub, and yet never have I touched a drop. Would ye do me the kindness of takin' and pourin' it over me grave after they've shoveled me in so that it might soak into me bones for all eternity?"

After thinking a few moments his friend replied, "Ahhh... Murphey. 'Tis true we've made the rounds since 'fore we could walk, and we've crawled together many a'time after walkin' in. That's a fine Irish sentiment, and I'll be happy to do as ye ask of me... But 'tis a precious bottle to have been admired so long... Do ye mind if I recycle it through me kidneys first?"

[NeoMatrix]

Paddy O'Malley was the richest gentleman in all of Ireland.
He had wealth behond measure,but his children would dishonour him an continually argue over his great wealth.

T'was on his last breath he said to his wife of many years -- "I will stop me children from fighthing over me wealth when I'm gone. Would you do me the honour me-dear and place all of me money in me coffin and bury it with me, every last penny."

To this his wife agreed, and true as I tell ye me folks she kept solem to her word. For the day that Paddy died and was about to be buried she wrote out a cheque for every last penny and placed it in his coffin....

[Brian8506]

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.





The next day, at the courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.







The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.





In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

[Shadow]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying; "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said; "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said; "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said; "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?