A balding, white haired man from Sanctuary Cove in Queensland, walked into a jewellery store on the Gold Coast last Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger, woman at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a really special ring for his new girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, No, thats a mere bauble I'd like to see something much more special.'
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000 the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'I think we'll take it.'
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque. But I know youll need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and we'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know, said the old man wearily but let me tell you all about my fantastic weekend!!'
See ... Not All Seniors Are Old and Senile!!!!
$hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.........................................................................Lock & Load
At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled...
"Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
$hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.........................................................................Lock & Load
Q.Whats Budweiser and rooting in a canoe got in common?
A. They're both f#*king close to water.
Q. Whats the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and an anorexic hooker?
A. One is a phoney buck
Q/ Whats a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
A. They both get to sniff it, bt never get to eat it.
Q. How do you know if you are a bogan\redneck?
A You let your 14 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table, in front of her 2 kids.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. ~Thomas Edison
"The Serenity Prayer" . . .
God grant me the serenity to accept stupid people , the courage to not waste my time and energy on them , and the wisdom to know that I cannot fix STUPID .
.They're Back! Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off ...... let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping. She has requested tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church and so ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
You find out interesting things when you have sons, like:
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response
time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.
"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
::: The Anglician Church forebids drinking of alcohol by its ministers. :::
An anglican paster arrived home from official duties at wedding ceremony one evening to find a full case of Cherry Brandy sitting on his door step. The unsigned card on the case of brandy said "Thankyou for all your support."
Scratching his head the minister had no idea from who it came.
The following Sunday the minster addresses the church congregation.
I would like to thank the person who left that wonderful case of cherries at my door step.
It was truly given in the right spirit.
And it would be remiss of me not to share that spirit with such a kind person.
Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
[§] |N | | o | M | Δ | t | π | ‘ | x | [§]
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding a little...
As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 mph, boy! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"If you already knew" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I've got a very good job!"
The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?
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