Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

This one is a collection of Steven Wright jokes, one of the all time best one-liner comedians in the history of comedy.


Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the otherway?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the oppositeof progress?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we usethem?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travelagent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

[prntrfxr]

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like:

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response
time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.

Or children in general. I don't think girls are any easier. The following list are the things I either did, instigated, or watched someone else do:

1. Flushed things down the toilet until it overflowed. (My little brother witnessed my middle brother and I doing this and was so afraid of water overflowing the toilet, he was in his teens before he flushed a toilet again.)

2. Binocular lenses and sunlight can set things on fire. (We nearly burned down the little wooded area between our house and the neighbors house. I came up with this one. Blame my interest in science.)

3. You can break into houses at night if they don't lock their windows with a quarter. (Wedge it in the jam and lift. If you get caught nearby, you can tell the dumb adults you couldn't have done it, since you didn't have a screwdriver with you and only had 50 cents. By the way, we played flashlight tag in recently built houses that were not completely finished at nighttime. Awesome fun. We stopped because other kids in the neighborhood were breaking windows and the police were looking for the culprits.)

4. Clorox and ammonia cleaner make a noxious gas. If you keep a small bottle with you when you're riding your bike you can spray mean dogs that chase you with it and keep them away. (If you blind them, claim it was done in self defense. I never blinded any of them, but who knows, it might happen. Don't fill the bottles all the way up, have one of those flip-top spouts on it and shake it vigorously before flipping the top to open. You don't even have to squeeze the bottle. Do this outside. Bleach in the house can make things you don't want white, white. We got in trouble for that too.)

5. If you decide to play a gag on drivers by leaving a handbag in the middle of the road attached to fishing line and fishing pole, DO NOT use mom's favorite leather handbag. (The gentleman who picked it up, drove off with it. It was very funny, until she started asking where it was.)

6. Putting rocks in dad's gas tank can get you in big trouble. (I did that at about age 4 or 5.)

7. Do not chew gum in bed. (I spent the night at a friend's house and she did this. Her mom knew using nail polish remover to get it off the sheets works, but my friend ended up with a bad haircut.)

8. Ceiling fans are great for anything you want to spin around the room. We used water balloons. (Mom was not pleased. By the way, this works well with the bleach and ammonia. Once again, don't fill the balloon real full, because it expands and don't do this in the house.)

9. Do not wrestle your brother in a room with a fish tank in it. Or you will have to explain to dad why his half of his prize guppy's are in a mixing bowl and the other half are flopping around on the carpet. You will also have to explain to mom why the carpet is all wet.

10. Do not wrestle your brother in the kitchen when you are supposed to be loading the dishwasher. Someone could fall damaging the dishwasher door until it no longer closes or drop corning ware on the stove chipping the porcelain. The former gets you in trouble with dad, the latter gets you in trouble with mom. (Better dad than mom. Mom has brought this incident up every year when the entire family gets together, so far and probably will be for the rest of my natural life. Dad's was more painful, but significantly shorter.)

11. Potato peelers are not ouchless safety blades. I thought they were. My brother cut his finger because I told him it was safe and I have carried the guilt ever since. (One of the rare times I was not trying to harm my brother.

12. Dad has gotten very proficient at replacing door jams. This is because I would aggravate my middle brother and shut/lock my bedroom door quickly behind me when he gave chase. He never stopped in time or as he got older would just kick it in.

13. It is not a good idea, although extremely funny, to give the dog chewing gum. Removing it from fur later is a lot of work.

14. Do not practice driving in the driveway after a tree has been cut down. Backing over the stump and bending the axle is a lot of money.

15. Super soaker water guns should not be used in the house.

16. Do not spill milk in the backseat of a car. The subsequent odor is impossible to remove.

17. Do not empty the pee container out the window while driving on the highway on vacation. Sometimes it hits the windshield of the car behind you making the driver angry, sometimes it ends up back in your face, which is worse. (My brother did this one. The driver was mad, but my brother's face was priceless.)

18. Do not let the dog in the house after she has been wallowing in the creek. Muddy wet dog rolling on the carpet will not make mother happy. (Ahem...did I mention it did not make mom happy?)

19. Do not tell your cousins your mother hides the chocolate in the bathroom. (Exlax)

20. If you leave the door open to take something outside (like hanging some laundry) so that you can watch your baby daughter (or in this case granddaughter) at the same time (2+ year old), do NOT think for a second that she hasn't watched you enough to figure out how to shut the door and lock you outside. Then, she will gleefully do something (like taking open cans with serrated edges out of the trash) that she knows she's not supposed to do, because she knows you're watching in horror from the outside. Laughing at you every time you say, "no, you're going to cut yourself" in sheer panic. (My poor grandmother never trusted me again.)

21. Never having a radio that your daughter hasn't taken apart, including all her brother's toys, and all the door handles in the house.


I can't believe I came up with 21 of these. Fortunately, none of us broke a bone. Although there were stitches and emergency trips to the hospital for things like: Dropping a pallet on my foot, stepping on a dog bone while walking barefoot in the yard, getting pecked in the eye by a chicken (don't ask), flipping over the handlebars because we were showing off to neighborhood kids and hit the front breaks instead of the rear (6-8 stitches over the eye), bee stings, gravel/rock fights with neighbor kids, getting hit by a baseball, running into a low clothesline while on a bike at twilight in a neighbor's yard or low branches when riding bikes in wooded areas, and scratches from cats and briars, oh and I almost forgot...getting a fishhook caught in her leg at age 6 and having to have my nose cauterized when I was even younger than that because of a nose bleed that wouldn't stop, that happened in the middle of the night. It's a wonder my parents didn't lose their mind.

[mjarbar]

Or children in general. I don't think girls are any easier. The following list are the things I either did, instigated, or watched someone else do:

{SNIP}

But tell us you didn't have fun doing it!!!

[prntrfxr]

But tell us you didn't have fun doing it!!!

I did on most of it, but didn't always like the consequences. From my cousin (a guy), I learned the art of making a spitball gun and generally finding something to get in to or jokes to play on the folks.

I once took my parents top sheet turned it around and tucked it in at the head of the bed. The top of the sheet I folded over so that it looked like a normal top sheet. Imagine their surprise when they couldn't get their feet to the bottom of the bed. I tried not to laugh as my mother said, "What did you do to the bed, Arthur?"

Dad: "What do you mean?"

Mom: "I can't get in this thing. How did you make it this morning?"

Dad: "What? Let me see, you're probably doing it wrong."

Mom: "How difficult is it supposed to be to get in bed?!"

Dad: "How come? The sheet is only halfway down?"

Mom: "Look at this the bottom of the sheet is tucked in at the head. Why did you do that?"

Dad: "I didn't..."

Mom: "Well somebody did it and it wasn't me!"

At this point I could contain myself no longer and had to laugh. This was followed by my mother's voice, "Young lady, you come in here and fix this bed right now! I don't know why I have children that cause so much trouble. It has to be from your side of the family, I would never have tried this with my parents."

That reminds me, it's been a while since I played a joke on the folks, hmm...

[Shadow1]

That reminds me, it's been a while since I played a joke on the folks, hmm...

I'm adding this to the list of web sites my children are not allowed to visit.

[ZOOTECH]

Q: Did you hear about Woody Allen's latest movie?
A: It's called, "Honey, I Married the Kids".

Q: What did Haley Joel Osment find on the top of Mt. Everest?
A: Icey dead people.

They took a survey of 10,000 women in Washington DC, and asked "Would you
have sex with Bill Clinton?"
86% said "Never again".

Q: Why did McCauley Culkin get married?
A: He was tired of being home alone.

[Shadow]

I'm adding this to the list of web sites my children are not allowed to visit.

maybe so Shadow1, but your wife is going to have it bookmarked as her home page

[ZOOTECH]

STOLEN MOMENTS

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake." ____________ _________ _________ _______ FAMILY Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses ... "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." ____________ _________ _________ _______ I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." ____________ _________ _________ _______ SUPERSEX A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." ____________ _________ _________ _______ DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." ____________ _________ _________ _______ OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?" ____________ _________ _________ _______ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[Shadow1]

An elderly lady goes to the doctor and asks him, "Is there anything you can do to make me quit farting all the time? I've farted 3 times since we've been here, and I just don't think that much is normal. They're not loud and they don't stink, but it's really annoying."

The doctor thinks for a second and writes her a prescription, "Take these 3 times a day and come back to see me in a week."

When the week is up she sees the doctor again, "I don't know what kind of pills those were, but I fart just as much as before, except now they reek to high heaven."

The doctor says, "Good. Now that we have your sinuses cleared up let's see what we can do about your hearing."

[Shadow]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart.... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe..
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.
The proctologist fainted.