Joke of the Day

[Mr.Claire]

LLast week Miss Smith checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a Loonie off his well oiled bum... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?..." Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad in the yellow pages and understand you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to dial “9” for an outside line Miss Smith."
ast week Miss Smith checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a loonie off his well oiled bum... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?..." Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad in the yellow pages and understand you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to dial “9” for an outside line Miss Smith."

[blsquires]

a young boy starts his first job at a chemist ,he gets to unpack the new deliveries and put all the medicines on the shelf.
at lunchtime the chemist said I am popping out to get some lunch and I will only be half an hour.i don't want you selling any medicines while I am away.
when he got back he said to the boy is everything ok,yes said the boy.did you sell anything ,yes said the boy a man came in with a cough so I made him some cough mixture.oh dear said the chemist what did you make.he said I got a bar of exlax and melted it down then ground up some senna pods and mixed them in ,topped it all up with liquid paraffin and he went off very happy.
that's no good for a cough said the chemist .
it is said the boy ,look he is outside hanging on to a lamp post and he too frightened to cough

[JustManuals]

TWO COWS




SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour


COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk


FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk


NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you


BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income


ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.


SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.


A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

Guys and Gals.........One of the things I do on Facebook is administer a jokes&funnys group. If you're interested the link is:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/jokesandfunnys/ . It's a closed group but I admit everyone except my ex-wife. Hope to see you there.

Paul

[JustManuals]

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Click on the pic to enlarge.

[JustManuals]

This was just posted in my jokes&funnys group on Facebook:

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner, unannounced, at 5:30pm after
work.
His wife begins screaming at him, while his friend just sits and listens.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done.
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him unannounced to our home?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."

[MHeon71]

Janitor is cleaning a church next to the confessional while the priest is listening to confessions.

The priest pokes his head out and ask if the janitor can listen to confession, while he goes to the bathroom.

The janitor says "I have never done confession and would not know what to give for penance.

Priest says that it is easy and that there is a chart within the confessional.

Janitor agrees and starts to listen to confessions.

1st person says I am sorry father but I have lied to my parents.

Janitor looks at chart and says to say 1 Hail Mary and 1 Our Father.

2nd person says I am sorry father for I have stolen from a local store.

Janitor looks at chart and says to say 3 Hail Marys and 2 Our Fathers.

3rd person says I am sorry father for I have sinned. I have had sex with a little boy.

The janitor could not find the sin and pokes his out of the confessional and sees an alter boy and asks what the father gives for having sex with little boys.

The alter boy says 2 Twinkees and a Ring Ding

[NeoMatrix]

Justmanuals : Two cows

You twat...

I actually caught my self lauging out loud...

[Akitu]

This was just posted in my jokes&funnys group on Facebook:

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner, unannounced, at 5:30pm after
work.
His wife begins screaming at him, while his friend just sits and listens.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done.
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him unannounced to our home?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."

I think I posted a very similar one in this thread a while back. I think I'll avoid your group just so I don't become the main contributor, nothing personal; I just want to give everyone else a chance.

[Akitu]

An Irishman goes to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighs, looks him in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and I’m afraid it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live." The guy is shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He walks back into the waiting room where his son is waiting for him and says, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let go to the pub and have a few pints." After four or five pints, they are feeling a little less somber. There are some laughs and more beers. Eventually the two are approached by some of the guy’s old friends who ask them what they are celebrating. So the guy tells his friends, "I've got only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." His friends give are quite shocked about this and so they stay to have a couple of beers with him and his son. After his friends leave, the guys’ son leans over to his dad and whispers in confusion „Dad, I though you said that you had cancer? Why you just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" “Well“, the guy says, "I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

[JustManuals]

I think I posted a very similar one in this thread a while back. I think I'll avoid your group just so I don't become the main contributor, nothing personal; I just want to give everyone else a chance.

That's ok, I scarf them from here and post them there