Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'
The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'
The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

[emujo]

A Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her “Darling, would you give me a blow job?”

Horrified, she replies “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

Him: “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

Her: “No way. It’s just too risky!”

Him (horny as hell): “Oh please, please, I love you so much!”

Her: “No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”

Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”

Her: “No, no. I just can’t”

Him: “I beg you… ”

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

“Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it.
But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..”

This joke is even better when you see it acted out on you tube as a mastercard "priceless" skit...

[ZOOTECH]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[Iowatech]

Obnoxiously inoffensive?
Basic Instructions - Basic Instructions - How to Tell Someone Things They Don't Want to Hear

[Brian8506]

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in COOLGARDIE when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperrary baby boy.."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...

"Had him circumcised."

[Akitu]

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate..!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

[NeoMatrix]

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate..!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

Reminds me of an old thread...

http://www.jumbojoke.com/images/familyplanning.jpg


BTW Love the Aussie accent,you've got it nearly spot on....

[slimslob]

Reminds me of an old thread... http://www.jumbojoke.com/images/familyplanning.jpg

BTW Love the Aussie accent,you've got it nearly spot on....

The link did not work. I had to copy it as text and paste it.

[NeoMatrix]

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...

"Had him circumcised."

And now he keeps it in the boot of his car for a spare fan belt...

[Akitu]

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."