Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #2141
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    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.
    The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."
    The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.
    The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."
    They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."
    The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"

    Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

  2. #2142
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by slimslob View Post
    Her answer on Facebook was "You'll never know"
    The Soccer World Cup final is Monday, so we'll have sneeky suspicion if Deb's barracks for Germany.
    Using highly sophisticated (AKA technician's) logic we'll assume Argentina resembles the map of Tasmania = zero goals.


    Bring on the World cup final....whooo whooo ....


    Safest bet Deb's is to declare you don't like soccer.....

    .....................................update..... light hearted humour ......................
    (origin : Joke of the day thread. No cross posting allowed ,CTN rules....)

    Last edited by NeoMatrix; 07-12-2014 at 06:05 AM.
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  3. #2143
    Retired 5,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by NeoMatrix View Post
    The Soccer World Cup final is Monday, so we'll have sneeky suspicion if Deb's barracks for Germany.
    Using highly sophisticated (AKA technician's) logic we'll assume Argentina resembles the map of Tasmania...


    Bring on the World cup final....whooo whooo ....


    Safest bet Deb's is to declare you don't like soccer.....
    I think she already did. And just exactly why did you post this in Joke of the Day instead of SOCCER: WORLD CUP?


  4. #2144
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts Debs1964's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by NeoMatrix View Post
    Safest bet Deb's is to declare you don't like soccer.....
    I REALLY don't like soccer, I thought the final was today, thought I'd have quiet roads when I go to visit my son; I couldn't care less who wins it, football players are all a bunch of over paid nancy boys anyway

    There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary maths and those who don't

  5. #2145
    AutoMajical Resolutionist 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    WTF!!!!!!!! post the soccer shit in the soccer thread... the consortium is already disturbed by the political violations of the Joke of the Day thread......................

    Mystic Crystal Revelations

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A hippie gets on a bus and sees a very hot nun sitting near the back. He sits near her, and decides to take a shot. "Hey, you're pretty hot. Wanna have sex with me?" The nun screams and runs off the bus at the next stop, obviously very freaked out. The hippie, feeling defeated, decides to get off the bus as well.
    The bus driver stops him and says "Hey, I saw you trying to get with that nun. She goes to this cemetery every Wednesday night and prays in front of this gravestone. Maybe if you dress up like God or something you can get her to do what you want." The hippie thinks this is a great idea, and gets together a God costume.
    Wednesday comes around, and the hippie is hiding in the cemetery bushes. He slips on his God mask and jumps out the nun. "Ahhhh I'm God! I will let you into heaven if you have sex with me!" The nun says " hmmm...ok. But it has to be in the butt to preserve my virginity."
    So, they start going at it, and the hippie decides to give the nun a little surprise. So he pulls off his mask and yells "Surprise! I'm the hippie from the bus!" The nun pulls off her mask and yells "Surprise! I'm the bus driver!"

    Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

  7. #2147
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Tonerbomb View Post
    WTF!!!!!!!! post the soccer shit in the soccer thread... the consortium is already disturbed by the political violations of the Joke of the Day thread......................
    If it wasn't for the fact a dear friend of CTN had called me a legend in the making I would definitely change my forum title to "The Consortium".

    Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

  8. #2148
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts DWise's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Why HUNTERS use guns...
    A learning experience. Names have been removed to protect the stupid! Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.

    I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

    The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

    I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my dee r showed up -- actually 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

    I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
    The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

    That deer just EXPLODED !!!

    The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

    A deer-- no chance.

    That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

    The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

    A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature
    off the end of that rope.

    I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

    At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

    Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

    I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

    Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

    Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

    The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

    I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

    Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

    I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse-- strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

    This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

    The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

    Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

    So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

    Do for one what you wished you could do for everyone. - Andy Stanley

  9. #2149
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Debs1964 View Post
    I REALLY don't like soccer, I thought the final was today, thought I'd have quiet roads when I go to visit my son; I couldn't care less who wins it, football players are all a bunch of over paid nancy boys anyway
    Agreed ....
    I like a real mans game: Rugby League.

    What if we could count the stars... , what number would you stop at...?"
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  10. #2150
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    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I tried changing my password to "brazildefense" but CTN told me it was too weak.

    Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

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