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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #231
    Adeptus Mechanicus Magos 500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

    He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

    After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

    Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

    His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."


    "Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap ?" I asked my boss.
    "Just pop it in the corner" he said.

    It took me 3 hours.
    The impossible is easy - miracles take a little longer
    So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late.

  2. #232
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with
    seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not
    a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be.......

    The 2.99 Special



    We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two
    eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

    'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

    'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,'
    the waitress warned her.

    'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked
    incredulously.

    'YES!' stated the waitress.

    'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

    'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

    'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and
    baked a cake.

    DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
    WE'VE been around the block more than once!
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  3. #233
    PHD in Sh!t Disturbing 250+ Posts Shadow's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    $hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.........................................................................Lock & Load

  4. #234
    PHD in Sh!t Disturbing 250+ Posts Shadow's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    pen_stuck.jpghow do you approach this mishap with the client?
    $hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.........................................................................Lock & Load

  5. #235
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow View Post
    pen_stuck.jpghow do you approach this mishap with the client?
    Asks the customer can they see the point of it.
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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  6. #236
    Adeptus Mechanicus Magos 500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow View Post
    pen_stuck.jpghow do you approach this mishap with the client?
    Ask where the rest of him is!!!!
    The impossible is easy - miracles take a little longer
    So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late.

  7. #237
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Why Men Wear Earrings

    A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

    This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

    The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

    'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

    His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

    "Ever since my wife found it in my car."

    (I always wondered how this trend got started.)
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  8. #238
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Fable of the

    Porcupine

    It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.


    After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

    Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close
    relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.


    The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.



    The moral of the story is:

    Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  9. #239
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A businessman is on his deathbed calls to his mate of manys years and,say "Bob I want you to promise me that when I died you will have my remain cremated."
    "Okay "his mate said and what do you want me to do with the ashes?

    I would like you to put them in an envelope and mail them to tax department with a note saying "ok ya bastards now you have everything."
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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  10. #240
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man come home from the social security office .
    "Honey" he says to his wife ."I've finally convinced them that I'm old enough to collect the age pension.
    "How?" his wife asks, knowing full well that the department of records in their small town had burnt to the ground and all birth certificate records where lost.

    "Well I just unbutton my shirt top and showed them all the grey hair on my chest",replies the man.
    That finally convinced them that I was old enough.

    His wife replies "Well while you where at it why didn't you drop your old-fella out and show them that ,you could have gotten disability as well."
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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