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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #241
    PHD in Sh!t Disturbing 250+ Posts Shadow's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Took the wife to the disco last week

    There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips....you know....."the works".

    My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."

    I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating....!!! "


    $hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.........................................................................Lock & Load

  2. #242
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts



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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The UK government has advised us to be careful that we are not being sold fake tickets for the Olympics.



    Just checked mine for the mens wheelchair triple jump and they seem genuine enough.


  3. #243
    Senior Tech (Indep.) 1,000+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by skynet View Post
    The UK government has advised us to be careful that we are not being sold fake tickets for the Olympics.



    Just checked mine for the mens wheelchair triple jump and they seem genuine enough.
    Shzzz I better tell my mates about this. I'm not sure if their tickets are genuine either.
    They have passes to the Javelin catching competition.

    “Nose to the grind stone. Hold that grind stone still......"
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  4. #244
    Geek Extraordinaire 1,000+ Posts KenB's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by NeoMatrix View Post
    They have passes to the Javelin catching competition.
    Betcha all the competitors are named KaBob.

    Why settle for being difficult? With a little effort, you can be completely impossible.

  5. #245
    The Wolf 1,000+ Posts mojorolla's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    My wife asked me for a watch for her birthday.

    I told her there was a clock on the stove.




    Failing to plan is planning to fail!!!

  6. #246
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    You just have to appreciate this one. Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired......



    Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

    Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
    Then one day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
    "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

    "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
    "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”
    “Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”
    Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
    What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"


    The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.

    He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, ‘Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?’”

    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
    Sometimes, I feel like an island in a sea of incompetence. (.,.)
    "Work to live, don't live to work"

  7. #247
    Senior Tech (Indep.) 1,000+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by KenB View Post
    Betcha all the competitors are named KaBob.

    Yeah yeah for sure. Some of the competitors names (according to my mates) are Skewer, Pointy, Sharp, HolePunch, Needles, Kabab...

    They tell me it's a terrific once-in-a-life-time event for ex-girlfriends ,ex-wives, mother-in-laws etc.

    “Nose to the grind stone. Hold that grind stone still......"
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  8. #248
    Senior Tech (Indep.) 1,000+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by ZOOTECH View Post
    You just have to appreciate this one. Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired......

    {snip}

    Brings to mind old family anecdotes.
    As a kid my old man would always harp on-an-on about using the last bit in the sauce bottle.
    Use up the old bottle of jam, vegemite or milk carton before you start on the new one.

    Truth be known, as teenagers my brother and I where working on jobs around our property with the old man one day when the old-man pipes up and says "can you go down the ladder and and get such-n-such".
    My cheeky brother turns to the old-man an says "why" ?
    They old-man says "cause your younger than me an have more energy."
    My quick witted brother turns back to him and says.
    "You always boot us up the back-side for not using up the old one first."
    So your the old bugger and we should be using you up first."

    Needless to say the old-man won that point of discussion...

    “Nose to the grind stone. Hold that grind stone still......"
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  9. #249
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders



    EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT
    NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

    'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

    'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
    'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

    'How much do you charge?'
    'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

    'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

    Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
    'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

    'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

    A bartender cured me for $10.
    I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

    'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

    'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

    FORGET THE SHRINKS..HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

    May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more, And nothing but happiness come through your door!





    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
    Sometimes, I feel like an island in a sea of incompetence. (.,.)
    "Work to live, don't live to work"

  10. #250
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts


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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by mojorolla View Post
    My wife asked me for a watch for her birthday.

    I told her there was a clock on the stove.


    Our son asked for a watch for his birthday............so we let him!

    At least 50% of IT is a solution looking for a problem.

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