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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #271
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by NeoMatrix View Post
    I told one of my old bosses that I'm going back to university.

    He asked "what the heck for? "

    Told him I'am going to do biology and medicine in particular I'am going to specialise in cloning.

    "Why the hell would you want to do cloning ?", he asked.

    I'am going to clone a twin of myself so I can be in two places at once like you f!#&ing expect,and do twice as much work for half the pay.


    True story...
    Don"t clone me!!

    There are enough a**holes in this world.


  2. #272
    PHD in Sh!t Disturbing 250+ Posts Shadow's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The wife left a note on the fridge:
    ·"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's!"

    I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works fine.


    WOMEN, who can understand them?
    $hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.........................................................................Lock & Load

  3. #273
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by ZOOTECH View Post

    “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?”

    .
    I believe you may have lost some of the down-under-dudes with this one.
    I assume that this is a brand name for baking flower ?
    Here in Oz we have baking flower with the brand Black&Gold.
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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  4. #274
    Senior Tech 100+ Posts doug94550's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two guys are sitting around and looking at an article in a hunting magazine about duck hunting.
    The first guy says to the second, "You know. That looks kinda' cool. We get out in the Great Outdoors for a while, get away from the wives for a while, and put some food on the table. So what do you think?"
    The second guy thinks about it for a while and says "Sure. Let's do it".
    So they go out and buy the guns, the dogs, the decoys, the blinds, the whole nine yards.
    The next morning at 4am they are out there, locked and loaded.
    Now, it is 4 in the afternoon.
    They are cold, and wet, and have nothing to show for their time.
    The first guy says to the second guy, "You know. We have been out here for 12 hours and we've got nothing. We must be doing something wrong. What do you think?".
    The second guy thinks about it for a while, sighs, and says,"I don't know man. Maybe we're just not throwing the dogs high enough".

  5. #275
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Stevie Wonder walks into the Wall-mart with his seeing-eye-dog.

    He walks down a few aisles and then picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging him around his head.
    He starts to make a bit of a commotion an begins to attact the attention of the shop assistants.
    One of the ladies walks up to Stevie and ask, "Can I help you Sir ?"
    Stevie turns around to her direction and says nah! I'm alright luv, I'm just having a look around....

    ----------
    I gotta come up with some better jokes, these old ones are starting to show my age.
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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  6. #276
    Major Asshole! 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
    2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
    3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
    4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
    5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

    And....

    6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


    THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


    The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

    There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
    ' "But the salesman said . . ." The salesman's an asshole!'
    Mascan42

    'You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves.'

    Ibid

    I'm just an ex-tech lurking around and spreading disinformation!

  7. #277
    Technician Tata's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by mojorolla View Post
    ...and this was the exact moment Little Johnny decided to become a salesman.


    ......a copier salesman.

  8. #278
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Funny drunk people compilation - YouTube

    Not a joke, but funny anyway - have a safe and sober weekend.
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  9. #279
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    :: Dunny Dialect , Hot off the Toilet Wall ::"The trouble with the internet is that you can never believe everything your read."Abraham Lincoln 1685.
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  10. #280
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    HEAVEN
    AND
    HELL

    While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

    "Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a
    high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


    "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

    "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in
    hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."


    " Really ?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

    The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
    In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
    politicians who had worked with him.


    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about
    the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.


    They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing
    and telling jokes.


    They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now
    it's time to visit heaven...”


    So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud,
    playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours
    have gone by and St. Peter returns.


    "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
    "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
    be better off in hell."


    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered
    with waste and garbage.


    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as
    more trash falls to the ground.


    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

    "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf
    course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a
    great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
    What happened?"


    The devil smiles at him and says,


    "Yesterday,
    we were campaigning,



    Today, you voted.."
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

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