Joke of the Day

[Darren King]

Stevie Wonder walks into the Wall-mart with his seeing-eye-dog.

He walks down a few aisles and then picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging him around his head.
He starts to make a bit of a commotion an begins to attact the attention of the shop assistants.
One of the ladies walks up to Stevie and ask, "Can I help you Sir ?"
Stevie turns around to her direction and says nah! I'm alright luv, I'm just having a look around....

This could never have happened in Wal-Mart. You can't find anyone to assist you there. They usually run away when you make eye contact. lol

[NeoMatrix]

President George Shrub was attending a primary school one day and the teacher asked George if he could lead the class in a topic of discussion.

George starts of the topic of discussion with "Can any of the children here give me the definition of a tragedy ?"

One little girl puts up here hand and says "Mr President. If a child from this school was hit by a car and kill would that be a tragedy?"
The President quickly explains that "No that would not be a tragedy that would an accident."

Another little boy put his hand up and says "Mr President if a bus load of children on their way home where to fall off a cliff would that be a tragedy ?"
"No" said the President "that would be a great loss."

Little Johnny puts his hand up and says "Mr President , If the first-lady and yourself where shot down while travelling in airforce one would that be a tragedy ?"

The President quick exclaims "Well done ,that is correct."
"Now",The president says "can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

Little Johnny pipes-up and says obviously, "it would be no accident" and I'm certain "it would be no great loss".

[mrwho]

Rules For Men

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get Any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the Game is played.


Here is a guide to the points system:

Simple Duties
You make the bed	+1
... but forget to add the decorative pillows	0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets	-1
You leave the toilet seat up	-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty	0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex	-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom	-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings	+5
... in the snow	+8
... but return with beer	-5
... and no liners	-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night	0
... and it is nothing	0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something	+5
... you pummel it with a six iron	+10
... it's her cat	-40
At the Party
You stay by her side the entire party	0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy	-2
... named Tiffany.	-4
... Tiffany is a dancer	-10
... with breast implants	-18
Her Birthday
You remember her birthday	0
You buy a card and flowers	0
You take her out to dinner	0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar	+1
Okay, it is a sports bar	-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night	-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team	-10
A Night Out With The Boys
Go with a pal	0
The pal is happily married	+1
The pal is single	-7
He drives a Porsche	-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)	-15
A Night Out With Her
You take her to a movie	+2
You take her to a movie she likes	+4
You take her to a movie you hate	+6
You take her to a movie you like	-2
It's called Death Cop 3	-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans	-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans	-15
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable pot belly	-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it	+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts	-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."	-800
The Big Question
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in responding.	-10
You reply, "Where?"	-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"	-100
Any other response	-20
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying a concerned expression	0
... you listen, for over 30 minutes	+5
... you relate to her problem and share a similar experience	+50
... your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?"	-50
... you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV	+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep	-200

[ZOOTECH]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[NeoMatrix]

[BThis means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them....{Snip}...[/COLOR][/B]

The up side of the alzheimers; they'll believe they have a new husband/wife in bed every night....

[mrwho]

The up side of the alzheimers; they'll believe they have a new husband/wife in bed every night....

And new friends every day!

[Shadow]

they get to hide their own Easter eggs, buy their own Christmas / birthday gifts too

[Shadow]

Another one of life's mysteries explained quite simply:



An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:
"Why do scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?"
To which the Newfoundlander replies:
"Lord thunderin' Jesus, you must be stunned as me arse. If they fell forwards,

they'd still be in the fuc*in boat!"

[ZOOTECH]

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and a Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force, but when they retired the Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am." The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try? The seedy Lt Col staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, "I wrote it myself." The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light." He then excused himself and lurched to the john. When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".

[fixthecopier]

So one day a man is doing work outside by the barn on his small farm. All of a sudden 5 large black SUV's come speeding down the road and all pull into his drive. A dozen DEA agents get out and the guy in charge walks up to him and informs him that they have a search warrant to look for pot, and they will be searching the entire farm. The old man says he doesn't care but they better not go into the field over there with the red gate right now. The DEA agent becomes enraged and sticks his badge in the old mans face and screams at him "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS BADGE MEANS? IT MEANS I CAN GO ANYWHERE I FUCKING WANT TO!" HE motions to his men to follow him and they proceed to go to the pasture behind the red gate. They disappear over the hill and a few minutes later they all come back over the hill screaming and running for their lives with an 800 pound bull hot on their ass. The old farmer then starts yelling "JUST SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE, I"M SURE HE WILL STOP!"