Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

English is weird... It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

[Akitu]

I lent a hot girl my umbrella today. That takes the number of girls I've gotten wet this year to -1.

[fixthecopier]

An elderly Irish man lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the waxed paper of the the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted. He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...
"Clear off" she said, "They're for the funeral."

[fixthecopier]

I saw a one legged man with no arms at an ATM. He ask me to help him check his balance, so I pushed him over.

[Akitu]

So I was at the bar the other day and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.
Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.
She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."
I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"
She replied "Of course!"
"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."

[fixthecopier]

[fixthecopier]

My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

[Debs1964]

My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

As a woman I probably shouldn't have laughed quite so loud at this

I shall now take the feminist stance and tell you that post is extremely offensive and sexist

[fixthecopier]

As a woman I probably shouldn't have laughed quite so loud at this

I shall now take the feminist stance and tell you that post is extremely offensive and sexist

Yep, that's one I am not repeating to my wife.

[gneebore]

My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

Thought you were going to add "And then the fight started"