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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #291
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A young man and had consigned himself to look after his dear dad in last days of retirement.
    The young man would come over every day and do his fathers general chores. The young man would mow the lawn weed the
    garden and dig up the vegetable garden for next seasons crop etc. He had done every chore as usual except digging up
    the vegetable garden ready for the season.

    Young men being young men he happend to get himself in trouble with the law drink driving. The judge sentenced the
    young man to 12months in prison to be served immediately.

    The young bloke was sitting in his prision cell writting a sorry letter to his father.
    In his letter he wrote to his father that at no time should he dig up the vegetable garden because he was far too old
    and further more that is where he buried the dead bodies.

    A day later the young man received a phone call in prison from his father.
    Old man: "Son a strange thing happened the other day". Six big police officers stormed into the back yard and started
    digging up the vegetable garden."
    Young man: Yeah I know dad I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you, but thats the best I could do on short notice."
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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  2. #292
    Major Asshole! 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Stress and Anger Management

    I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.

    A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

    I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

    Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had apparently transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

    After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

    When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.

    Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.

    Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice saying "Hello?"

    "Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"

    He barked, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

    The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

    Then, one day an old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great," I thought, she's finally leaving.

    All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!"

    The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there sure a lot of assholes in this world.

    Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now!)

    Almost immediately I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

    I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

    "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

    "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

    I said, "What's your name?"

    "My name is Don Hansen."

    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

    "I'm home in the evenings."

    "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

    "Yes,"

    "Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.

    After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call.

    Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had to phone asshole #1.

    A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

    I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.

    The asshole said, "Are you still there?"

    I said, "Yeah."

    He said, "Stop calling me."

    I said, "Make me."

    He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

    So I told him, "Don Hansen."

    He said, "Where do you live?"

    "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."

    "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

    "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up.

    Then I called asshole #2. He answered, "Hello?"

    I said, "Hello, asshole!"

    He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

    "You'll what?"

    "I'll kick your ass."

    "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole!" And I hung up.

    Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home.

    Another quick call to Channel 13 informed them about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street.

    After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

    Glorious satisfaction! Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
    ' "But the salesman said . . ." The salesman's an asshole!'
    Mascan42

    'You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves.'

    Ibid

    I'm just an ex-tech lurking around and spreading disinformation!

  3. #293
    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    An older lady is checking out at the grocery store and feeling a little horny, she starts checking out the young boy putting the groceries in the bags. As they are walking out to the parking lot she looks at him and says "You know boy, I have an itchy pussy". "Just point to it ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me" he replied.
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  4. #294
    PHD in Sh!t Disturbing 250+ Posts Shadow's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a Virgin -- in every vay." The doctor told him, "Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art. Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth . That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ..still in DA CRATE!"
    $hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.........................................................................Lock & Load

  5. #295
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. Then a man comes up and exposes himself to them. Two of them have a stroke,




    the third one couldn't reach.
    Last edited by skynet; 08-12-2012 at 07:13 PM.

  6. #296
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    An old lady in her retirment would whizz up and down the retirment home hall ways in her wheel chair.
    One days she is scooting along the hall way when an elderly man put his hand up and says stop.
    Oldman : " Excuse me madam I'm a retired police officer,I see you are speeding, can I see your license?"
    The old lady rumages through her hand bag and pulls out a bingo card an hands it to him.
    Old man : " Ok let this be a warning, next time I will book you."

    A day later the old lady once again is whizzing up and down the hallway and the old man put his hand up and say "stop! this is the police."
    Oldman : " I see you have a defective vehicle. You'll have to pay a fine or I'll have to take your vehicle off the road"
    The old lady rumages through her hand bag and pulls out a couple of shopping receipts and gives them to him.

    Next day the old lady;feeling a bit tired was swaying from wall to wall in her wheel chair like she was drunk.
    The old man jumps out from behind a door stark naked with his manhood standing to attention,and yells "stop this is the police."

    The old lady turns to him and says oh! sh!t! not the breatherlyser again.
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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  7. #297
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans dick. Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman. The old woman’s distraught and yells, “WHAT’S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN’T!” The old man smiles and says, “Parkinson’s disease”

  8. #298
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Give it to me,give it to me now.
    I'm so wet, I want it bad.
    Baby let me have it.

    No matter how much she begged,
    or how desparate she became,
    I would not give her the umbrella. .....
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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  9. #299
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    King Billy : Hey Mortin<hic up> I out smartem today Bro.
    Mortin : Why dat Bro ?.
    Billy : I snuck a big heap of booze into work today.
    Mortin : Ok der bro how did you get it pass security?
    Billy : In my belly<hic up>.
    Mortin : ....?.....
    Last edited by NeoMatrix; 08-18-2012 at 06:59 AM.
    Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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  10. #300
    PHD in Sh!t Disturbing 250+ Posts Shadow's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain
    so that they can see their own doctor.
    ------------------------------
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller.
    Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69
    ------------------------------
    ---------------------------------------------- ---------
    $hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.........................................................................Lock & Load

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