Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. “We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife”, said one of the troopers. “Tell me! Did you find her?”, Wilkens exclaimed. The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?” Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.” The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay .” “Oh my God!”, exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?” The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.” Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”
The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”

[iliketui]

holding hands.jpg

[allan]

How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?
Attractive.

If you're not faster than your brother you're a mother...

[Akitu]

Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.

[Gar the pilot]

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to the remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they ( pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. " No just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batterys, it's a long walk."

[gneebore]

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to the remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they ( pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. " No just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batterys, it's a long walk."

Sadly with the way some people are this has probably been an actual service call to an auto service center or Triple A.

[NeoMatrix]

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to the remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they ( pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. " No just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batterys, it's a long walk."

I had a similar event happen to me. A frustrated middle-age lady asked me to help start her vehicle. The ignition key wouldn't turn in the lock. She had reverse parked the vehicle with the front wheels turned hard over one direction, this caused the steering lock to press hard against the ignition key realease mechanism and she couldn't turn the key to start the vehicle. I must have spent 5 mins trying to explain to her that you need to pull down on the steering wheel to take pressure off the steering lock so the key will turn. In the end I said jump out of the vehicle an I will do it for you. 3 an a half seconds later I had the ignition key turning an the vehicle started.I then spent another 5 to 10 min standing there with my vacuum cleaner an tool case in hand trying to explain to her that there is nothing wrong with her vehicle and she doesn't need to call a roadside mechanic.

I now understand why we pay more for vehicle insurance.....

[Akitu]

Three guys with heavy Brooklyn accents get invited to a costume party.
The theme for this party is "Dress Like an Emotion." The first guy is wearing a pear costume. The second guy is wearing a dress. And the third guy is butt-naked except for a custard pie around his pecker.
They ring the doorbell. The host opens the door, sizes them up, and says "You guys aren't in theme, so I can't let you in."
The first guy argues, "What are you talkin' about? I'm in despair!"
The host shrugs and lets him in.
The second guy argues, "What are you talkin' about? I'm in distress!"
The host shrugs again and lets him in, too. But, he stops the third guy, who's butt-naked except for the custard pie around his pecker and says, "There's no way you're in theme, so don't even try."
The third guy retorts, "What are you talkin' about? I'm fucking disgusted!"

[slimslob]

A man and his wife are invited to a costume part. The theme of the party is historical figures. The night of the party, the man is dressed up in a Napoleon costume. Hid wife comes out wearing nothing but a long blonde wig. The man ask her who she is supposed to be. Lady Godiva was the reply. He tells her to wait while goes and changes. A while later he comes out wearing only a potato ties to his pecker. She said to him "You can't go like that. There is nothing historical to it." He replied "Why not, I'm a dictator!"

[blsquires]

man goes to a costume party .he knocks at the door and the host says this is a costume party and you are completely naked why is that.
he said i am a turtle .the host said if you are a turtle who is that naked woman on your back .oh he said thats michelle.