Joke of the Day

[blsquires]

good to see you back debs

[Lagonda]

effective immediately -
all new euro denomination notes will be printed on greece proof paper.

[Lagonda]

It's very funny if you live in Queensland


Qld win!.jpg

[Iowatech]

How to learn from other people's experiences

[nmfaxman]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

I would just send this image.
Work smart, not hard.

[slimslob]

[Akitu]

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market; oh the irony.

[fixthecopier]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”
“For you, sir, no charge!”

What's 2 times 2?
Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”
Mathematician: “After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!”
Engineer: “4, obviously, but lets make it 5, just to be on the safe side.”


Atom 1: “I think I lost one of my electrons somewhere.”
Atom 2: “Are you sure?”
Atom 1: ”Yes, I’m positive!”

A neutrino walks through a bar.


A photon checks into a hotel. “Do you need help with your luggage?” the clerk asks.
“No thanks, I’m traveling light.”


Why were the Romans so bad at algebra?
They always ended up with X equals 10.

[fixthecopier]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money.
He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife:
"Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. When one day he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

[fixthecopier]