Joke of the Day

[jonhiker]

A worker calls in sick. " I have a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, I won't be in to work".

The boss says, " You know something, I really need you to work today. When I feel like you do, I usually ask my wife for sex.That makes everything better and I go to work. you should try that.

2 hours later the worker calls his boss: " I did what you said and I feel better, I'll be in soon. By the way, you have a nice house."

[slimslob]

https://www.facebook.com/MrTechnical...0467866667246/

[Roverius]

A man goes to the hospital to visit his friend who had a accident with his car.
When he entered the room, he saw his friend lie in bed with his head full of bruises and all the colors of the rainbow.
- wow, man, you really look terrible like this. And you're car, whats whit the car, i asked
- My car has nothing, not even a scratch, he said
- That's weird, and who was the other guy involved in the accident?
- Well, he is here in the bed just next to me.

I went to visit the other guy and looked at him.
he had the same bruises and scratches and also all the colors of the rainbow.
- wow man, you also look terrible.
- and, your car? whats with yours?
- nothing wrong with my car, he said, not even a scratch.

After a few words to the guy, i went back to my friend.
-Tell me, you both have a head like a ruin and both your cars have nothing, not even a scratch, how can this be possible?
- well, he said, i will explain it:
-on a night i drove home and there was a really thick fog.
So, i opened my window and took my head out of the window to have a better look on the road.
I didn't know that the driver, who came from the oposite direction, had the same idea.....

[fixthecopier]

A group of men, all about 40 agree to meet for dinner...
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were pretty.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[slimslob]

[slimslob]

[nmfaxman]

I was underway in the Pacific once when I witnessed one of my shipmates, up late, frantically attempting to smoke a cigarette. A burly Chief walks on-deck, roving as part of his duties - he didn't smoke himself. One of the sailors asked the Chief if he had a Cigarette Lighter. "Sure," the Chief said, "Can I get a cigarette?" Surprised, one of the junior sailors offered one to him. The Chief snatched it from his hand, and tossed it to the breeze - the stogie trailing with the wind into the ocean below. "What was that all about, Chief?" the younger sailor replied. "I made the whole ship a cigarette lighter," he said, turning around and leaving.

[blsquires]

young girl was on the escalator and she was wearing a very short skirt .she looked round and saw a man trying to look up her skirt .what are you looking at she said.
he thought quickly and said i am looking at the moon.
she said well you should have looked at it last night , there was a man in it

[fixthecopier]

Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine, special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

[fixthecopier]

Jack says to his friend Mike, "I'm sleeping with the ministers wife. Can you keep him busy for an hour after the service?
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."