Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

[slimslob]

[fixthecopier]

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[Iowatech]

How to wash a cat

[blackcat4866]

How to wash a cat

Bring the peroxide and bandaids. And don't expect the cat to be any cleaner than when you started. The only thing that you can count on is human injuries and a very unhappy feline. =^..^=

[fixthecopier]

Bring the peroxide and bandaids. And don't expect the cat to be any cleaner than when you started. The only thing that you can count on is human injuries and a very unhappy feline. =^..^=

When cats get wet, they develop super powers. I watched a 15 year old climb straight up a tile wall. It was like he grew suction cups on his feet.

[blackcat4866]

When cats get wet, they develop super powers. I watched a 15 year old climb straight up a tile wall. It was like he grew suction cups on his feet.

A few years ago my wife and I where playing a board game on the floor with a bunch small plastic parts that came in a black plastic bag. Bethany stalked up to the dangerous black plastic bag in my hand. In a moment of cruelty I shot the dangerous black plastic bag at her. I'm still not entirely sure what happened after that.

She went backwards up the wall until she hit the ceiling, then careened out of the room.

From then onward, Bethany was forever afraid of anything black. My shoes, belt, the TV remote, literally anything black colored. Further, she would not even come into that room for over a week. She would approach the doorway with trepidation, sure that the dangerous black thing was waiting to pounce on her.

I felt really terrible .. in-between giggles. =^..^=

[NeoMatrix]

Friday just gone I happened to have a weak moment and bought our grand daughters new puppy a rubber chicken chew toy. As you squeeze the chew toy it gives out a noise like a strangled goose. As I walked in the door from shopping, I saw the puppy was happily chewing something on the lounge room floor. I grabbed the new rubber chicken out of the shopping bag, squeezed all the air out of it, then threw it down on the floor in front of her.

WEELLLL!!!!....holy crap!!, the pup didn't know what happened. She thought all of her xmas's had come at once. She took one look at the rubber chicken making a horrible noise and took off yelping tail between her legs. After our initial fits of laughter, we found her cowering behind the TV cabinet.
Mind you the missus gave me the "I told you so" about the rubber chicken for the next hour or so....

[subaro]

There is this guy at work who passes by my bench and throw these little remarks whenever we have a little tit for tat discussion. He said this one to me which i am just passing on. come to your own conclusion.

A old man went to the pharmacy to purchase viagra. The lady gave him the pills and he took one and cut it into four pieces. The lady at the counter asked him why did he do that. He replied he only wants to kiss.

[Iowatech]

Apparently in the U.S., for some reason it is National Rice Cake Day today:
Holiday Doodles » November 29, 2015: National Rice Cake Day; National Lemon Cream Pie Day
I kind of wish the dog I had back in the day was scared of inanimate black items. That would have probably prevented her from chewing up the TV remote (perhaps as well as some important Army Reserve related paperwork). It was at that very moment I discovered she was an "outdoor" dog.
D'oh.