Joke of the Day

[habik]

Quality!!

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[fixthecopier]

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

[fixthecopier]

[slimslob]

I know that this was supposed to be political, but I got a good laugh from it.

[fixthecopier]

A mother shark is teaching her baby how to eat humans...
"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

[slimslob]

[emujo]

A young boy walks up to the local priest and asks says "father, I went fishing today, would you like to try some of these sons of bitches?". The priest says "son that's no way to talk to a man of the cloth". The boy says "sorry father, that what they are called". The priest tries the fish and agrees that they are delicious. He ask the boy if he can bring another catch so he can invite the local bishop over to sample them. The boy says of course and the next evening the Bishop is at the church for dinner with the priest. The priest says "Bishop, you have to try some of these Sons of Bitches!'. The Bishop says "father, in all my years I've never heard you speak this way". The Priest explains that this is what the fish are called, and after dinner the Bishop agrees that they are indeed the best fish he's ever tasted. "I am going to invite the Pope over tomorrow for dinner and you must bring us more of this fish" The Priest asks the boy for another catch and he brings them the next day. The Pope arrives and sits down to dinner. The Priest says "Holy Father, you must try some of these Sons of Bitches", and the Bishop chimes in "These are the best Sons of Bitches I've ever had". The Pope puts down his knife and fork, looks over at the Priest and Bishop and says "you motherfuckers are alright". Emujo

[emujo]

A wife gets a call from her husband's doctor..The doctor says he's very sorry, but his and another mans test results were accidently swapped and he's not sure if her husband has herpes or Alzheimer's. The wife asks if they can redo the tests, but the doctor says the insurance won't cover it. "What can I do" she asks. The doctor says to take her husband to the middle of town and drop him off, if he finds his way back home, don't have sex with him. Emujo

[fixthecopier]

One of the smartest jokes I have read.

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car and get pulled over...

Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replied.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "GREAT! Now I'm Lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

[Iowatech]

How to accept gratitude