Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #3581
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A 74 year old man received a gift certificate from his wife on his birthday.The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
    After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
    The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
    "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
    The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


    ay.
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  2. #3582
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
    A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
    When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
    So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
    After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
    That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
    The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
    we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.';

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    Re: Joke of the Day


  4. #3584
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
    She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
    Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
    Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
    Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
    He answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.”
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  5. #3585
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

    The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”


    “Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”


    “Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”


    “I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.


    So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

    “What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”


    “Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
    'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
    The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
    'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
    'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
    'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
    Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
    'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.
    The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
    The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
    Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
    The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
    The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day. This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
    The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
    The kid looks up at his boss and says "$124,548.88".
    The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?"
    The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."
    The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"
    The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing."
    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  8. #3588
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Subject: Fw: Dr. Geezer's Clinic



    .







    An old geezer becomes very bored in his retirement and so he decides to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign up outside that says: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000”.





    Doctor "Young," who is positive that this old geezer doesn't know beans about medicine, thinks this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.


    So he goes to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?” Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth." Dr. Young: “Yaagh!! — this is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."




    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."




    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)




    Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."




    Moral of story — just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer.”






















  9. #3589
    Service Manager 250+ Posts nottoosharp's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Lagonda View Post
    Someone just paid $3.6 billion for Lexmark........sorry, no punch line but the fact that someone thought that Lexmark was worth paying for should make you laugh.



    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  10. #3590
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