Joke of the Day

[NeoMatrix]

An alien craft lands on earth.
The aliens asked the first guy they saw --"take me to your leader".
The Guy stares dumfound and bewildered for a sec and says "which leader?"
The alien exclaims "your most intelligent wise leader."
The guy rubs his chin for a bit, then points across to the
local school, and says "pick one, they don't change much as they get older."

[emujo2]

A wife walks into her house and finds her husband watching TV. He is switching back and forth from porn to fishing channels. She watches this for about 5 minute, when he says "I just can't decide which one to watch". The wife says " well, you're a pretty good fisherman!". Emujo

[fixthecopier]

I am posting this here because it made me laugh...

https://i.imgur.com/aeiIN5E.mp4

[ZOOTECH]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.



The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?” Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror come over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

Meanwhile a squirrel whom had beenwatching the whole scene from a nearly tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the bean and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to than conniving canine!”



Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says…..”Where’s that squirrel” I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”



Moral of this story…..



Don’t mess with the old dogs…Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[fixthecopier]

[NeoMatrix]

{Snip pic, save band width, save a tree the ozone and all that.Neo.}

They're preferred series current killers. They're working for the resistant.



Okay... It's Monday forgive me...

[slimslob]

They're preferred series current killers. They're working for the resistant.



Okay... It's Monday forgive me...

For you yes. For me it is still Sunday.

[ZOOTECH]

A man escapes from prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife; 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.
Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong honey, I love you.


His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. ‘Be strong honey. I love you too.’

[emujo2]

Wife is standing in front of the bathroom mirror and says to her husband, "my boobs are getting smaller, should I get breast enhancement"? Husband says no, just take a piece of toilet paper and rub them between your boobs every morning, that should give you bigger boobs". Wife does this every morning for the next week with no results. She asks the husband if this really works and he says "it should, look at your ass". Emujo

[slimslob]

Wife is standing in front of the bathroom mirror and says to her husband, "my boobs are getting smaller, should I get breast enhancement"? Husband says no, just take a piece of toilet paper and rub them between your boobs every morning, that should give you bigger boobs". Wife does this every morning for the next week with no results. She asks the husband if this really works and he says "it should, look at your ass". Emujo

Husband's funeral will be next Saturday.