Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Murphy's other 15 laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[slimslob]

Murphy's other 15 laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Corollary to Number 6. Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

[slimslob]

[slimslob]

[izzynut]

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'





'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?’, she queried, nearly fainting.

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'



Mrs. Smith fainted

[izzynut]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology,

and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? .... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

[slimslob]

[izzynut]

Since you are such a
history buff, I thought you would like this.





DON'T YOU JUST LOVE HISTORY! JUST IN TIME FOR THE OLYMPICS!

Here is a piece of Greek history regarding the Olympic games.

2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced
Get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece.

This festival had no name at that time.

In those days the athletes performed naked and to prevent unwanted arousal
while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter.

At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed
the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed:

"Oh! Limp pricks!".

Over the next two and a half millennium that expression morphed into the word
“Olympics.”

So Now you know....

Don't bother to thank me….


I enjoy learning about and discussing history.

[izzynut]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom

door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
Old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

he next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

[slimslob]