Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #3951
    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
    She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
    Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
    When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
    "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  2. #3952
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Stormy Daniels


  3. #3953
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by fixthecopier View Post
    My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 65. Now he is 83 and we don't know where in the hell he is at.
    That probably makes two of you....

    What if we could count the stars... , what number would you stop at...?"
    [Exchange manual acquisitions, PM's CTN members only. ]
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  4. #3954
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Had to call the police out last night as there were some teenagers in my street causing trouble. When the cops got there one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating a firework. The police charged one and let the other off.

    At least 50% of IT is a solution looking for a problem.

  5. #3955
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
    George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey Baby…..whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”
    She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!” While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked …”Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe…why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?” So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
    After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”
    “My parents don’t like me dressing like a girl.”
    It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??


  6. #3956
    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
    The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
    The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
    The priest asks, "What did you do?".
    The woman says, "I committed adultery."
    Priest: "How many times?"
    Woman: "Three times."
    Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
    A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.
    He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
    Priest: "What did you do?"
    Man: "I committed adultery."
    Priest: "How many times?"
    Man: "Three times."
    Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
    The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
    A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
    Rabbi: "What did you do?"
    Woman: "I committed adultery."
    Rabbi: "How many times?"
    Woman: "Once.”
    Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  7. #3957
    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I understand a cheese factory blew up in France. All that was left was de brie.

    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  8. #3958
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts gwaddle's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by bsm2 View Post
    I am 55 years old and I have just realized I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out... the way to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps... why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ...and I am this witty but I actually stole this from a friend who stole it from a friend of her brother's girlfriend's Uncle's cousin's, baby mamma's Doctor...Now it is your turn to steal it from me... lol Enjoy the rest of your day!!!!

    Consider it stolen.

    I know I should be ashamed of myself. Strangely though, I am not.

  9. #3959
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    ZOOTECH's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day


    Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for allwe have done
    and do not try to blame others.

    HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that
    it was NOT senior citizens who took:

    The melody out of music,

    The pride out of appearance,

    The courtesy out of driving,

    The romance out of love,

    The commitment out of marriage,

    The responsibility out of parenthood,

    The togetherness out of the family,

    The learning out of education

    The service out of patriotism,

    The Golden Rule from rulers,

    The nativity scene out of cities,

    The civility out of behavior,

    The refinement out of language,

    The dedication out of employment,

    The prudence out of spending,

    The ambition out of achievement or
    God out of government and school.


    And we certainly are NOT the ones who
    eliminated patience and tolerance from
    personal relationships and interactions with
    others!!

    And, we DO understand the meaning of
    patriotism, and remember those who have
    fought and died for our country.

    Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts, as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts, as the American Flag passes by in a parade!

    YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

    I'm the life of the party.....
    Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

    I'm very good at opening childproof caps.....
    With a hammer.

    I'm awake many hours before
    my body allows me to get up.

    I'm smiling all the time,
    because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

    I'm sure everything I can't find is
    in a safe secure place, somewhere.

    I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy,
    and that's just my left leg.

    I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.


    Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN
    and I think I am having the time of my life!
    Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them.
    Or, maybe I should send it to all my friends anyway.
    They won't remember, even if they did send it.
    Spread the laughter
    Share the cheer
    Let's be happy
    While we're here.

    MAY GOD BLESS AMERICA
    AND MAY AMERICA
    CONTINUE TO THANK GOD
    !!
    Go Green - Recycle Congress!!!!


    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  10. #3960
    Retired 5,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by ZOOTECH View Post

    Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for allwe have done
    and do not try to blame others.

    HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that
    it was NOT senior citizens who took:

    The melody out of music,

    The pride out of appearance,

    The courtesy out of driving,

    The romance out of love,

    The commitment out of marriage,

    The responsibility out of parenthood,

    The togetherness out of the family,

    The learning out of education

    The service out of patriotism,

    The Golden Rule from rulers,

    The nativity scene out of cities,

    The civility out of behavior,

    The refinement out of language,

    The dedication out of employment,

    The prudence out of spending,

    The ambition out of achievement or
    God out of government and school.


    And we certainly are NOT the ones who
    eliminated patience and tolerance from
    personal relationships and interactions with
    others!!

    And, we DO understand the meaning of
    patriotism, and remember those who have
    fought and died for our country.

    Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts, as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts, as the American Flag passes by in a parade!

    YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

    I'm the life of the party.....
    Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

    I'm very good at opening childproof caps.....
    With a hammer.

    I'm awake many hours before
    my body allows me to get up.

    I'm smiling all the time,
    because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

    I'm sure everything I can't find is
    in a safe secure place, somewhere.

    I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy,
    and that's just my left leg.

    I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.


    Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN
    and I think I am having the time of my life!
    Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them.
    Or, maybe I should send it to all my friends anyway.
    They won't remember, even if they did send it.
    Spread the laughter
    Share the cheer
    Let's be happy
    While we're here.

    MAY GOD BLESS AMERICA
    AND MAY AMERICA
    CONTINUE TO THANK GOD
    !!
    Go Green - Recycle Congress!!!!
    I think that I going to beat Gene as far as stealing this one.
    As for recycling Congress, it is easy. If the incumbent has been there more than 3 terms, vote for someone else where you like him or her or not.


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