Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #3961
    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, QUICKLY!

    So, I sprinted to the car, raced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"

    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  2. #3962
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by fixthecopier View Post
    My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, QUICKLY!

    So, I sprinted to the car, raced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"
    Puffed out after that? ...

    Lucky you didn't spill your beer, I would have been cross with her if you did.

    The nerve of some people.... beer doesn't grow on trees....

    What if we could count the stars... , what number would you stop at...?"
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  3. #3963
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Sorry, a repeat:
    Subject: Male Logic


    Woman:

    Do you drink beer?



    Man: Yes



    Woman:

    How many beers a day?



    Man:

    Usually about 3



    Woman:

    How much do you pay per beer?



    Man: $5.00 which includes a tip



    (This is where it gets scary !)



    Woman:

    And how long have you been drinking?



    Man:

    About 20 years, I suppose



    Woman:

    So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?



    Man:

    Correct



    Woman:

    If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past

    20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?



    Man:

    Correct



    Woman:

    Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting

    for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?



    Man:

    Do you drink beer?



    Woman:

    No



    Man:

    Where’s your Ferrari?












    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  4. #3964
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Dyslexic Man walks into a Bra......................


  5. #3965
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day





    An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.



    The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?” Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror come over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

    Meanwhile a squirrel whom had been

    watching the whole scene from a nearly tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the bean and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to than conniving canine!”



    Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says…..”Where’s that squirrel” I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”



    Moral of this story…..



    Don’t mess with the old dogs…Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.








    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  6. #3966
    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
    A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?
    "No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
    The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
    They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".
    She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
    The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.
    They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
    The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
    The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
    This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
    The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
    "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
    The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
    She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  7. #3967
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts bob marley's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Live for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live again

  8. #3968
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day







    The Indian With One Testicle
    There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
    and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
    name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
    cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
    again I will kill them!'
    The word got around and nobody called
    him that any more.
    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
    forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
    jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
    the forest where he made love to her all day and
    all night. He made love to her all the next day,
    until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
    The word got around that Onestone meant what
    he promised he would do. Years went by and no
    one dared call him by his given name until A woman
    named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
    away. Yellow Bird, who wasBlueBird's cousin, was
    overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
    and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
    then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
    night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
    her all the next night, butYellowBird wouldn't die!








    Why ???








    OH, come on... take a guess !!!








    Think about it !



    You're going to love this !!!








    Everyone knows...


    You can't kill Two Birds


    withOneStone!


    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  9. #3969
    Retired 5,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day




  10. #3970
    Retired 5,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The Party
    The king wanted to go fishing, so he called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
    The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days, So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
    On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
    Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.
    The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”
    So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
    Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
    The farmer said,
    “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
    forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”
    So the king hired the donkey.
    And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
    The practice is unbroken to this date and thus, the democrat symbol was born!!!


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