Joke of the Day

[Jules Winfield]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that is where shitty ideas come from!!!

I thought that was what causes spontaneous combustion...

[NeoMatrix]

::Lost the plot::
Little Johnny is sitting at the kitchen table, and says" Hey Mum ! Pass the f**king Corn Flakes."
She takes him out the back and gives him a darn good whipping with a firm rod, then sits him back down and says,

"NOW Johnny!, would you like something from the table" ?

He says ,"you can bet as sure as sh!t I don't want f**king Corn Flakes"...

[jonezy999]

A lady wants to buy a parrot so she heads off to the pet shop. Once she is there she notices all the parrots are really expensive, except one, the one she really likes.

She asks the owner why this one parrot is much cheaper than the others and is told that the cheap parrot was returned as it swears a little bit.

The lady accepts this and buys the bird anyway.

Once she gets home, the bird says "nice fuckin' house"
So the lady puts the bird in the fridge for 10 minutes to punish it.
When she removes it, the parrot says "that was fuckin' cold"
The lady then throws the bird in the freezer for 15 minutes as punishment for swearing.
When she removes the bird looks clearly worried and says "fuck me, what did the chicken do wrong?"






Another parrot joke, same deal

Lady wants a parrot, finds a cheap one she likes, asks why this parrot is so much cheaper.

She learns that this parrot used to belong to the madam of the local brothel.

She buys the bird anyway.

Once they get home, the birds says "WOW, a new brothel"
They go inside and the parrot see the 2 daughters and remarks "nice, new whores"
The mother in law walks in and the parrot says, "wow, new madam"

This goes on until the husband arrives home from works, to which the parrot says "G'day Barry, how the hell are ya? just here for the regular?

[HenryT2]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

SEE !!!!! Don't mess with old folks !! Especially from MS. LOL

[oldschool]

Two guys go hunting on a farmers land every year. One year one guy waits in the car while the other goes to let the farmer know they'll be hunting. The farmer tells the hunter it's OK but would you do me a favor. Sure replied the hunter. The farmer explains that a hoarse he's had for years is very sick and needs to be put down. The farmer says he just can't bring himself to do it. The hunter says no problem. I'll go get my gun.

On his way back to the car he gets an idea to play a joke on his buddy. He walks up to the car and pulls out his gun and proceeds to load it. What's up? his buddy asks. As he's loading his gun he says that damn farmer told me I can't hunt on his land this year. I'm gonna fix his ass good. With that said he pulls up his gun and drops the horse where it stands. Trying to hide the big grin on his face he turns his back to his buddy. Just as he catches his breath he turns to see the expression on his buddy's face. Before he can turn around he hears BOOM BOOM. His buddy yells out OK I got two of his cows now lets get the f**k outta here!

[NeoMatrix]

::A joke for the kids at home::

The mighty god Thor was on a pillgramage across the vastness of the heavens.
He mounts his trusty stallion and rides off on his quest.
He rides over the mountains for days.
He rides over the valleys for days.
He rides across the vast desert for days.
He come to the edge of the desert on a high cliff top at the edge of the ocean.
He leans forward in his saddle and with a MIGHTY VOICE BEATS HIS CHEST AND EXCLAIMS :
" I'MMM MIGHTTTTTTY THORRRRRRRRR....." < add thunder here>
Just then his horse looks up and says "anth youth thinth yourth thor..."

[ZOOTECH]

In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions
Also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently
Without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

How To Get a New Hairdryer Through Customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favor?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your
Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
Is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

[Shadow]

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[mjarbar]

This will only make sense to those who remember 'Play-away' on BBC kids TV in the 70's and 80's...but I found it funny anyway!!!

Brian May is a slightly more optimistic version of Brian Cant.

- Or -

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or 'foreplay' as she likes to call it.

for everyone else...

[oldschool]

I heard this one years ago and I had to google to find it.

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town. He sees a farmer and his hound dog sitting sitting out on the front porch of a rusted old shack, and he figures he'll have a little fun.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Farmer: "Dogs caint talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Great, thanks for asking."
(Farmer stares in stupefied amazement )
Cowboy: "How does your owner treat you?"
Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me Alpo, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Farmer: "Horses caint talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
(Farmer falls off his chair)
Cowboy: "How's your owner treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
The farmer stands up and says, "Them sheep ain't nothing but a bunch of damned liars!"