Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #3991
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    Bathurst, NB
    Posts
    77
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Newfoundland, Canada declares war on the U.S.A!!!
    President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
    "Well Archie," Donald said, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
    "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
    Donald paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
    "Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
    Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."
    President Trump sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
    "Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
    Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
    Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
    "Jumpins, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."
    Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Trump! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
    "I'm sorry to hear that" said Donald. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
    “Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

    CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN God Bless Canada


  2. #3992
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts bob marley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    1,064
    Rep Power
    28

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Blonde Confused The Mechanic
    A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other, and another customer asked,

    “What is a seven-hundred-ten?” She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.” She replied
    that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

    The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up. And asked, “Is there a 710 on this car?” She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there!” The mechanic fainted. If you’re not sure what a 710 is… While looking at the picture tilt your head slightly left.
    oil.jpg




    Live for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live again

  3. #3993
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Sunshine State QLD.
    Posts
    2,750
    Rep Power
    71

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by bob marley View Post
    A Blonde Confused The Mechanic
    A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other, and another customer asked,
    “What is a seven-hundred-ten?” She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.” She replied

    ...snip
    Or the blondes IQ .... : 01L ( "L" for Learner)


    What if we could count the stars... , what number would you stop at...?"
    [Exchange manual acquisitions, PM's CTN members only. ]
    •••••• •••[§]• |N | € | o | M | Δ | t | π | ‘ | x | •[§]••• ••••••

  4. #3994
    Technician psteelers's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    Edmond, OK
    Posts
    29
    Rep Power
    8

    Re: Joke of the Day

    It's not my job to run the train
    The whistle I can't blow
    It's not my job to say how far the train's allowed to go
    It's not my job to blow off steam or even ring the bell
    But let the dang thing jump the track
    And see who catches hell!


  5. #3995
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    Bathurst, NB
    Posts
    77
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Joke of the Day

    PRICELESS! - The Wisdom of children.


    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

    The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

    The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
    The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
    The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
    The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',


    and went back to reading his book.
    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,



    "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.


  6. #3996
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    Bathurst, NB
    Posts
    77
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Joke of the Day

    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists
    found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
    conclusion that **their** ancestors already had a telephone network
    more than 150 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an
    American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a
    story published in the New York Times:

    "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire,
    have concluded that **their** ancestors already had an advanced
    high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

    One week later, Canadian Dept. Of Mines and Resources in Newfoundland
    reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in NE Canada
    , Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
    absolutely f--k all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago,
    Canada had already gone wireless."

    Just makes a guy bloody proud to be Canadian eh!


  7. #3997
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    Bathurst, NB
    Posts
    77
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A cowboy who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."







    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona; the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."





    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.







    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.






    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."







    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. ......Hasn't affected my brothers though."














  8. #3998
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    Bathurst, NB
    Posts
    77
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two priests and an atheist are hunting in the forest. The atheist aims at a rabbit, misses his shot, and says “God damn it, I missed.” The first priest says “the lord will strike you down for using his name in vain.” Later, The atheist aims at a deer, misses his shot, and says “God damn it, I missed.” The second priest says “the lord will strike you down for using his name in vain.” Later, the atheist aims at a bear, misses his shot, and says “God damn it, I missed.” Just then, a shot of lightning strikes the priests, killing them instantly, and a booming voice from the sky says “God damn it, I missed.”


  9. #3999
    Retired 5,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    Bakersfield, CA
    Posts
    8,399
    Rep Power
    181

    Re: Joke of the Day




  10. #4000
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    Bathurst, NB
    Posts
    77
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Joke of the Day

    His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi . . .



    And he needed a loan, so, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.



    The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.



    The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.



    Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

    An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.



    Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.



    What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?



    The good ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"



    His name was BUBBA....





    Keep an eye on those southern boys! Just because they talk funny does not mean they are stupid.



    Last edited by izzynut; 07-17-2018 at 01:20 AM.

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Get the Android App
click or scan for the Copytechnet Mobile App

-=-=-=-=-=-


IDrive Remote Backup

Lunarpages Internet Solutions

Advertise on Copytechnet

Your Link Here