Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4031
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by izzynut View Post
    A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

    .....

    “Thunderin’ Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?” – asks the doctor.

    “I put drops in her eyes.”
    ...and every where else .....


    .....her nickname was BJ


    (Sorry gals, it's a male club thingy...)

    Last edited by NeoMatrix; 08-16-2018 at 01:14 AM.
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  2. #4032
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,


    but they know they are in love.





    One day they decide that they want to get married,


    so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

    Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,


    "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and


    I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,


    "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,


    "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."



    Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?


    You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

    Again, Bruce instantly replies,


    "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and


    I make 10 bucks a week.
    That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

    Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.



    "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.


    I just have one more question.





    What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"




    Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,


    "Well, we've been lucky so far."

    Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is cute...


  3. #4033
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by izzynut View Post
    Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,


    but they know they are in love.





    One day they decide that they want to get married,


    so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

    Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,


    "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and


    I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,


    "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,


    "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."



    Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?


    You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

    Again, Bruce instantly replies,


    "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and


    I make 10 bucks a week.
    That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

    Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.



    "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.


    I just have one more question.





    What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"




    Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,


    "Well, we've been lucky so far."

    Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is cute...

    being a father of a 32yrold with the mind of a 10 yr old when it comes to men I CAN relate!


  4. #4034
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I went to the doctors recently
    He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
    I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
    He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”


  5. #4035
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs." The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"


  6. #4036
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day


  7. #4037
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.
    The people there told him:
    "Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.
    The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.
    When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said:
    "I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her"
    Man: Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I'm not about to take that risk with your mother.


  8. #4038
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Dave is sitting at the bar with his friend Mike, confiding in him about his troubled love life.
    "I'm crazy about this girl at work" Dave starts, "but I can't even look at her without getting a massive erection. How am I supposed to ask her out if I can't even look at her without losing the run of myself?"
    Mike pauses for a moment and shares with Dave,
    "Dude I have had this problem before."
    "Really?" asks Dave.
    "Yeah man, I used duct tape. Strapped my piece to my leg and I didn't have to worry about it when I made my move."
    Dave decides it's worth a shot, thanks Mike, drains his beer and leaves.
    The pair meet at the bar the following evening and Dave seems more down than before.
    "What's up Dave? How did it go?" enquires Mike, eager for answers.
    "I took your advice" he replied. "It did it all. Taped my piece to my leg, got dressed for work and marched right up to her."
    "So what happened?!" presses Mike.
    "Well I reached her just as she was taking her coat off and she turns around wearing this insanely tight dress...."
    Dave trails off.
    "What did you say to her?" Mike asks
    "I kicked her in the face."


  9. #4039
    Retired 5,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day




  10. #4040
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?


    they'd rearrange the furniture.

    My gramp was blind... long story short ... I got the working end of his red n white guiding stick NUMEROUS times for that same indiscretion!

    can honestly say... i never got whacked when i didn't deserve it!


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