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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4061
    Retired 5,000+ Posts slimslob's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day




  2. #4062
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.



    One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK? The rancher leaves for the fields.



    After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. I came to inseminate the cow, he said.



    Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."



    The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"



    "That's simple," she said. By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.



    Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"



    The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, I guess its to hang your pants on, she replied.



    (Nice to have a smart blonde joke for a change!)


  3. #4063
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer, "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

    "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

    "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

    "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

    True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.

    He said he would put a new one on immediately.

    "Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."


  4. #4064
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A glass of wine

    To my friends who
    enjoy a glass of wine,
    and, those who don't
    and are always

    seen with a bottle of
    water in their hand:





    As Ben Franklin
    said:

    "In wine there is
    wisdom,

    in beer there is
    freedom,

    in water there is
    bacteria.




    In a number of
    carefully controlled trials,scientists have
    demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,

    at the end of the year
    we would haveabsorbed

    more than 1 kilo of
    Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria

    found in feces.



    In other words, we are
    consuming 1 kilo of poop annually..

    However,
    we do NOT run that
    risk when drinking wine & beer

    (or rum, whiskey or
    other liquor).



    This is because alcohol has to
    go through a purification process

    of boiling, filtering
    and fermenting.



    Remember:
    Water = Poop.
    Wine = Health.



    Therefore, it's better
    to drink wine and talk stupid,




    Than to drink water
    and be full of Shit.


  5. #4065
    ALIEN OVERLORD 2,500+ Posts fixthecopier's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
    The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
    The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.
    While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
    The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."
    The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
    This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.
    The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
    "Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."

    The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

  6. #4066
    Senior Tech 250+ Posts guitar9199's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by izzynut View Post
    A glass of wine

    To my friends who
    enjoy a glass of wine,
    and, those who don't
    and are always

    seen with a bottle of
    water in their hand:





    As Ben Franklin
    said:

    "In wine there is
    wisdom,

    in beer there is
    freedom,

    in water there is
    bacteria.




    In a number of
    carefully controlled trials,scientists have
    demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,

    at the end of the year
    we would haveabsorbed

    more than 1 kilo of
    Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria

    found in feces.



    In other words, we are
    consuming 1 kilo of poop annually..

    However,
    we do NOT run that
    risk when drinking wine & beer

    (or rum, whiskey or
    other liquor).



    This is because alcohol has to
    go through a purification process

    of boiling, filtering
    and fermenting.



    Remember:
    Water = Poop.
    Wine = Health.



    Therefore, it's better
    to drink wine and talk stupid,




    Than to drink water
    and be full of Shit.

    "I don't drink water!!
    People bathe in it, and fish make love in it!"

    -W.C. Fields


  7. #4067
    Service Manager 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    Phil B.'s Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by NeoMatrix View Post
    I'm glad you wrote it down for m...
    ......




  8. #4068
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
    "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes"
    They were seated immediately.




    ***
    A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, Which book has helped you most in your life? She replied, My husbands cheque book.




    ***
    A prospective husband in a book-store enquired, Do you have a book called, "Husband the Master of the House"?
    The sales-girl promptly replied, Yes sir, 'Fiction' and 'Humour' are on the 1st floor.




    ***
    The wife said, "I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day."
    The husband replied, "I wish that you were a newspaper too so I would get a new one every day."




    ***
    The husband said to his wife, "Today is a fine day!"
    The next day he said, "Today is a fine day!"
    Again, the next day, he said the same thing: "Today is a fine day."
    After a week, the wife became irritated and asked her husband, "Since last week, you have been saying, 'Today is a fine day! I am fed up with it. Why are you doing it?"
    The husband said, "Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I'll leave you one fine day'.
    I was just reminding you......"




    ***
    Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
    Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
    Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
    Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"




    ***
    The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
    The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor. The congregation was aghast as you could hear a penny dropped.
    The Grooms jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly that the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted.
    The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
    The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say? There was absolute silence in the church.
    The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back." ****



  9. #4069
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.



    The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

    He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.

    She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment."Do you have health insurance?" she asked.



    He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."



    The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"



    He replied, "No money in the bank."



    "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.



    He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."



    The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."



    The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."






  10. #4070
    Trusted Tech 50+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Francis Pitre
    5:46 PM (34 minutes ago)

    to












    You need to know how to tell time. Enjoy.


    No sex since 1955A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by alocal liberal arts college.There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation."Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Issomething bothering you?""Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks likeyou have seen a lot of action.""Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "Youknow, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrongway, but when is the last time you had sex?"1955, ma'am.""Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chillout! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a privateroom where she proceeded to "relax" him.Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only2130 now."(Gotta love military time!)

    Francis Pitre
    5:46 PM (34 minutes ago)

    to












    You need to know how to tell time. En
    You need to know how to tell time. Enjoy.














    No sex since 1955A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by alocal liberal arts college.There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation."Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Issomething bothering you?""Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks likeyou have seen a lot of action.""Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "Youknow, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrongway, but when is the last time you had sex?"1955, ma'am.""Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chillout! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a privateroom where she proceeded to "relax" him.Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only2130 now."(Gotta love military time!)







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