Maybe that will help a little:
YouTube
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
A visiting professor at Cardiff University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says,
"Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies,
"Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said:
"OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't reply to private messages from end users.
Since my favorite thread has moved to the 2nd page (1st time since the thread started) I thought I'd move it back to page one..Sorry if this is a repeat..E
Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair....
Ole leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner
of the hunting blind, to take a leak.
As luck would have it, his hyper hunting dog,
Dawson, jumped up, & knocked the gun over.
The gun went off and Ole took most of
an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed,
he came to,....and there was his doctor, Dr. Sven.
"Vell, Ole, I got some good news and some bad news.
Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.
Da damage vas local to your groin,
dere vas very little internal damage,
and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."
"Vat's da bad news?", asked Ole.
"Da bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot
damage done to your penis.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."
"Vell, I guess dat isn't too bad," said Ole.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," replied Doc Sven.
"She is a flute player in da
Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.
But,.... because all you have is basic health care,
she is going to teach you vhere to place all your fingers,
so you don't pee in your eye."
A group of gun-ho top trophy hunters decide to go out one day hunting bears.
They roll up to the scouts hunting lodge in their flash RV and four wheel drives ready to hunt bears.
Their 4WD's are crammed full of rifles,knifes,compound bows an every other hunting gear.
The Trophy Hunters greet the scout and his dog at the front door of the hunting lodge.
They said "we're ready to go hunting bears, where can we store all our hunting gear"?
The scout said "you won't be needing all of that hunting gear, all we need is my dog an this .22 pistol."
After much back and forth confused discussion they all head off to go hunting.
The group head into the forest, and it wasn't long before the dog tracked a small bear and chased it up a tree.
The scout races up to the tree and shakes the crap out of the tree,
the bear falls heavy to the ground; the dog mounts the bear and literally roots the bear to death.
The blokes are stunned an amazed at what they saw. They said to the scout "sir we have to see that again.
here is another $500 dollars, find us another bear."
The party head off in search of another bear. An again, the dog chases a bear up a tree, the scout
shakes sh!t out of the tree,the bear falls down and the dog roots it to death.
The trophy hunters are gob smacked. Sir one more time, we gotta' see that one more time.
The group head out in search of their 3rd bear. The dog bails up a big bear up a tree.
The scout races over to the tree an shakes crap out of the tree. The bear doesn't fall down.
The scout gets every one in the group to all shake crap out of the tree, but the bear still doesn't fall down.
"Ok" the scout said. Heres the deal. Hold my pistol. I'm gonna' go up the tree and try to push
the bear out of the tree, if something happens an I fall down first --"SHOOT THAT DOG!!!."
Last edited by NeoMatrix; 01-21-2019 at 11:15 PM.
Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
•••••• •••[§]• |N | € | o | M | Δ | t | π | ¡ | x | •[§]••• ••••••
Masochism
definition: not removing the 3 pieces (permanantly) that's keeping the door from opening too wide on the Minolta 4 and 8 series, by the second encounter.
just occur to me today that this is funny.
I'll show myself out.
Idling colour developers are not healthy developers.
Bookmarks