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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4331
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by izzynut View Post
    Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....

    It takes less than 15 seconds..


    If you are male and over 60 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

    How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?


    1. _ _NDOM


    2. F_ _K


    3. P_N_S


    4. PU_S_


    5. S_X


    6. BOO_S

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    Answers:
    1. RANDOM


    2. FORK


    3. PANTS


    4. PULSE


    5. SIX


    6. BOOKS



    You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?



    The good news is:

    You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

    You are a pervert.

    I did get the first one right; but, I've been accused of being a pervert, and a few other not so nice adjectives.
    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  2. #4332
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

    "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "That when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

    "Very good," conceded the other, "But when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

    "What was the jingle?" asked the first.

    "Oh," replied the other offhand, "Just our medals."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

  3. #4333
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

    The teacher says, "What's this?"

    The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

    The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

    The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

    The teacher says, "Ok, then where's the cow?"

    The kid says, "It left because there was no more grass."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

  4. #4334
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    This is not exactly joke but true.

    It all makes sense now...
    Dr. Newton's "Salary Theorem" states that
    "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors."
    This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:

    Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
    Postulate 2: Time is Money.

    As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.
    Since: Knowledge = Power,
    then Knowledge = Work / Time,
    and Time = Money,
    then Knowledge = Work / Money.
    Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

    Therefore, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

  5. #4335
    Senior Tech 100+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
    The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
    The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
    The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.





    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
    The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
    The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'


    From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'







    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
    A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'





    A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
    'Yes,' the class said.
    'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
    A little fellow shouted,
    'Cause your feet ain't empty.'







    T he children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
    A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

  6. #4336
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Chinese man rings boss:
    “me no work I sick”

    Boss says:
    “when im sick I f*ck my wife try that”

    2 hours later chinese man rings back:
    “me better, you got nice house”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

  7. #4337
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    My favourite text message to send to the wife when I’m out drinking at the bar.

    “I’ll be home in 5 minutes… If not… read this again!!”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

  8. #4338
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    An 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence.
    For 40 mins they shagged like Bast*rds.
    Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor.
    Christ she said “you didnt F*ck Me like that 50yrs ago!“
    To which the old man replied “50 yrs ago that fence Wasnt F*cking electric!“
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

  9. #4339
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.

    Son: ”Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

    Dad: ”They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

    Son: "Really?"
    "Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

  10. #4340
    Senior Tech 250+ Posts FrohnB's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    On Fred's 97th birthday, a reporter from the news station came to interview him:

    Reporter: "So Fred, you're 97 years old today! What's your Secret?"

    Fred: "I sucked a c*ck for a watch once."

    Reporter: (Flabbergasted) "No Fred, I meant What's the secret of your longevity."

    Fred: "OH! Fruits and Vegetables."


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