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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #4381
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt.
    The cop says,
    “Holy shit, you’re so drunk, you can’t even walk!”
    The drunk says,
    “No shit, that’s why I took my car!”
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

  2. #4382
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

    No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
    The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

    But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
    "Bob, don't worry about it.
    You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you
    won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go...".


    But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,whispering...
    "Bob, you're a vet..."
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

  3. #4383
    Senior Tech 100+ Posts izzynut's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

    A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

    He opened his newspaper and began reading.
    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
    The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
    The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
    The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."
    MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

    HONESTY
    It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
    All the children were invited to come forward.
    One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
    "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
    The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


    MATH LESSONS
    A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
    "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
    Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
    His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
    The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
    "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
    "Yes," he answered.
    Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
    The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
    The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
    After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


    WHO’S YOUR DADDY
    A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
    Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
    The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
    "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
    She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


    A PREDICTION
    A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
    She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake, while her Father is getting his hair cut.
    The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
    She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."


    RESERECTION
    The minister started his Children's Sermon with a question, "Who knows what the Resurrection is?"
    Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."
    The pastor is still laughing.


    REALITY
    One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "....

    and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class,
    "And what do you think that farmer said?"
    One little girl raised her hand and said,
    "I think he said: 'Holy shit! A talking chicken!'"
    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

  4. #4384
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man went into a bar and asked for some 12 year old scotch whiskey. The bartender gave him the regular whiskey and the man replied
    "This is not what I asked for, this is 2 year old JD. The Bartender apologized and gave the man a different brand from under the counter.
    The man sipped the whiskey and again complained saying this is 7 year old JB. The bartender was amazed that the customer could tell
    what it was. So he tried one more time and again the man said this is not what I wanted, it is 10 year old crown royal.
    A drunk a couple of stools down the bar said that's amazing. Here try this one and slid a glass over and the man sipped it. He quickly
    spit it on the floor saying this taste like piss water.

    The drunk replied, "Ok how old am I?

  5. #4385
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts tsbservice's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads.
    The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal."

    The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy."

    The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? Hell, we have a spare tire in the trunk - now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one!"
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

  6. #4386
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    The local Butcher, who had recently married a beautiful young wife had also hired a young apprentice.

    One morning, the apprentice was in the cold room, with his trousers around his ankles, pleasuring himself with two pieces of liver, when the butchers wife walks in on him.

    The Butchers wife tut-tuts, and says:
    "That's nasty!".

    She then locks the door, hikes her skirt up, takes her knickers off, raises one leg and whispers:
    "Put that HERE".

    The apprentice says:
    "One piece, or both?"

  7. #4387
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. For example...


    A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her

    bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She

    reaches for a baseball bat and starts pounding at the blanket as hard as

    she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she

    enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.


    "Hi honey", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom...


    Did you get a chance to say ‘hello’ yet?”



    OPPS!!

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