Joke of the Day

**Shadow** · 11-28-2012

HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not usually belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Anabella kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

**Akitu** · 11-28-2012

Some older joke topics today, I'm sure it will bring back some memories for everyone.

Q. What does the gynecologist and the pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it but can't eat it!

Q. Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash?
A. Yeah, some dick cut her off.

Q. Why do men float better then women?
A. Because they're scum.

Q. Do you know why women can't fart?
A. Because they can't keep their mouth shut long enough to build up pressure!

Q. Did you know they discovered a new food that stops women from wanting sex?
A. Yeah, wedding cake.

Q. Why did the Siamese twins go to London?
A. So the other one could drive.

Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q. What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.

Q. What do you call the extra skin around a penis?
A. A man.

Q. How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Q. What do you call a fat woman with a yeast infection?
A. A whopper with cheese.

Q. What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and Pee Wee Herman?
A. It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off!

**emujo** · 11-28-2012

Q. What do you call a fat woman with a yeast infection?
A. A whopper with cheese.

Q What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A 1/4 pounder with cheese.

**Akitu** · 11-28-2012

Originally Posted by emujo

Q. What do you call a fat woman with a yeast infection?
A. A whopper with cheese.

Q What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A 1/4 pounder with cheese.

The same joke applies to Ethiopians, also -

Q. What do you call an Ethiopian with buck teeth?

A. Rake.

mjarbar · 11-28-2012

I was walking down the road the other day and saw this advert in the window that said "Television for sale - £1 - Volume Stuck On Full."
I thought...."I can't turn that down."

Two buisness men in London were sitting down for a break,In their soon -to-be new store.As yet ,the store wasn't ready,with only a few shelves set up.One said to the other,"I bet any minute now some nosey old pensioner is going to walk by,put his face to the window & ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when,sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window,had a peek & in a soft voice asked. "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,"Were selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat,the old timer said,"Must be doing well only two left."

I was sat in a restaurant last night when this drunk old tart came over:
"Anything I can do for you?" She purred.
"Yeah" I said, "get your breasts out."
"Ooh...you like 'em do ya?" She giggled.
"No love" I said, "they're dangling in my curry!!!"

A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No sh*t! What happened next?'"

mjarbar · 11-28-2012

Just came across this and had to share:

THE FEMALE PRAYER
Our Cash
Which art on Plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Harrods
As it is in Selfridges
Give us each day our Platinium Visa
And forgive us our Overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
And lead us not into Next
And deliver us from Benneton
For thine is the Cartier,the Dior and the Armani
For Chanel No.5 and Eternity
Amex

THE MALE PRAYER
Our Beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed be thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the Pub
Give us each our daily beverage
And forgive us our Spillage
As we forgive those that spilleth onto us
And lead us not into poofy winebars
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The Chicks and the Footy forever and ever
Barmen

**Akitu** · 11-29-2012

My last bunch of jokes did not appear to be as popular as my others. My apologies for the lack of quality. Hopefully this one makes up for it.

A bartender has a problem with a regular customer who nightly proclaims that he's the baddest ass person around. Eventually tiring of this boasting, the bartender says, "If you are such a bad ass, then you'll have to prove it to me."

The customer says, "No problem, name it."

The bartender says, "Okay, there's three things you have to do: first, there's this big bully at the end of the bar who's been hassling my customers all night; you have to kick him out of the bar. Secondly, I have an alligator in the back room that has had an abcessed tooth for the past week, you have to pull it. Third, there's a hooker upstairs who's never been satisfied, you have to go up there and make her cum."

The customer replies, "No problem" and commences to kick the bully out of the bar. After that he says, "OK, show me to the alligator." The bartender takes the man to the back room and shuts the door.

For about an hour there's a tremendous ruckus going on in the back room. The man eventually emerges with his clothes all torn and his body scratched and bitten, he goes up to the bartender and says, "OK, where's the hooker with the abcessed tooth?"

**Nachoman4life** · 11-30-2012

Like to say this one to customers every now and then on line calls: "Lines, Lines, everywhere there's lines, marking up my copies, and breaking my mind. Hey, repairman, cant you see the lines?" Helps if you put it to tune.

**nmfaxman** · 11-30-2012

I sometimes respond to a customer telling me that it keeps jamming with, "Do you hear rock or jazz?"

The look on their face is priceless.

**ZOOTECH** · 11-30-2012

Originally Posted by nmfaxman

I sometimes respond to a customer telling me that it keeps jamming with, "Do you hear rock or jazz?"

The look on their face is priceless.

That would be Bob Marley's printer, "Jammin'".
As an aside, I had the absolute pleasure of seeing Bob in concert twice - it was a treat beyond imagination!