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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #61
    PHD in Sh!t Disturbing 250+ Posts Shadow's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    It helps to know the 1950s but is not essential.

    Dating in 1957

    You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this.
    It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had
    a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the
    bell.

    "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred
    in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to
    drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

    "Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

    "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

    "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat
    at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach."

    "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

    "Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows
    "Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her
    friends, that's all they do!"

    "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

    "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all
    night if we let her!"

    "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about
    alternate plans for the evening.

    A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as
    a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with
    her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

    "Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

    Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into
    the house and slammed the front door behind her.

    "The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.

    "The damned dance is called the Twist."

    $hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.........................................................................Lock & Load

  2. #62
    Adeptus Mechanicus Magos 500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    mjarbar's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I had the hardest job in the world once - the pollen count!

    The impossible is easy - miracles take a little longer
    So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late.

  3. #63
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts HenryT2's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two old ladies sitting in a church, one turns to the other and says, My butt fell asleep." The others says, "Yeah, I thought I heard it snore a couple times."


    "The Senility Prayer" . . .
    God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

  4. #64
    Service Manager 100+ Posts kyrenecopy's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Priest, a Rabbi and a duck walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them and says; "What is this, some kind of a joke?"


  5. #65
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    ZOOTECH's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Senior Citizen's Home
    Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
    One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.
    After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”
    She asks, “What?” and he replies
    “SEX!!!”
    Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”
    “I know,” Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.”
    “Well, I can oblige”, says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
    Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard’s manhood.
    Then, one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K.
    She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who is
    holding Howard’s manhood!

    Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?!?”
    Howard smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s!”

    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  6. #66
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    What is the next coarse of action when an epileptic person throws a fit in the bath tub ?

    Grab some laundry detergent and throw your washing in the bath.....

    What if we could count the stars... , what number would you stop at...?"
    [Exchange manual acquisitions, PM's CTN members only. ]
    •••••• •••[§]• |N | € | o | M | Δ | t | π | ¡ | x | •[§]••• ••••••

  7. #67
    just one copy?? 500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    jonezy999's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    I'm really doubting whether or not to post this, but I'm gunna

    No offence intended




    Two champion poofters walk passed a morgue.

    One said to the other "what do ya say we stop in here and suck down a cold one?"

    I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. ~Thomas Edison

  8. #68
    Technician Max Kilby's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Baptising An Irishman

    Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk,
    "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
    The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
    ...
    So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
    He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
    The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
    The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

    He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"(get ready for this.....)

    The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,***"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?


  9. #69
    Legendary Frost Spec Tech 2,500+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

    Akitu's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Apparently, someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.

    If I had a nickel for every time I failed math, I would have 23 cents.

    I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

    So, I tried to start a support group for people with sexual dysfunction... Nobody came.

    I recently came into some money. The bank was disgusted.

    And....

    I went to the doctor's the other day to get a check up. Everything checked out ok, but the doctor recommended that I should stop masturbating. I asked him why, surely it's not dangerous to my health. He said it was distracting him.

    Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?

  10. #70
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts HenryT2's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    "The Senility Prayer" . . .
    God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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