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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #71
    Service Manager 1,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A small girl is walking down the street and a car pulls up beside her and the window winds down and the driver calls out “I’ll give you a bag of sweeties if you get in the car” but she ignores him and keeps on walking.
    The car catches up with her again and this time the driver calls out “ I’ll give you $5 if you get in the car” But the little girl just shakes her head in disbelief and keeps on walking.
    The car catches up with her again and this time the driver call out “OK, what do you want to get in the car?”

    She stops, puts her hands on her hips and turns to the driver and yells out “You brought the Volvo Dad, you live with it!”

    At least 50% of IT is a solution looking for a problem.

  2. #72
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Yeah I've heard it said that Sex is a bit like a bank account :

    Once you withdraw you lose interest.........

    What if we could count the stars... , what number would you stop at...?"
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  3. #73
    Field Supervisor 500+ Posts DWise's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you’re doing? It’s things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your butt!”

    Do for one what you wished you could do for everyone. - Andy Stanley

  4. #74
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Billy, Mortin an Tex where all sitting down one day having a beer talking about their favorite sporting events.

    Mortin archs up a conversation about family members.

    Hey Tex did you know I have 9 boys in my family. Tex say's "yer dare bro dats enough for a basketball team".
    Tex says "did you know I have 13 boys in my family". "Ok dare Tex", Mortin says "dats enough for a football team."

    Billy sits quielty in the background slowly whinning to himself.Woe is me,woe is me...

    Mortin say's "hey Billy,how many kids in your family ?"
    Billys slowly looks ups and says, well... I have 17 girls.....

    Mortin turns around and says --"hey Billy if you have one more girl dare bro you will have enough for a golf course.... !....

    What if we could count the stars... , what number would you stop at...?"
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  5. #75
    PHD in Sh!t Disturbing 250+ Posts Shadow's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

    "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."


    "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

    "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

    "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

    "No, I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

    "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

    "No, I have one every morning at 6:30 am."

    Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said,

    "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 am and crap every morning at 6:30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"







    "I don't wake up until seven."

    $hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.........................................................................Lock & Load

  6. #76
    Technician Max Kilby's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    As we're on the subject of old age......

    Three sisters age 92,94 and 96 live in a house together.

    One night the 96 year old runs a bath, she puts her foot in and pauses, then she yells down the stairs 'was I getting in or out of the bath?'

    The 94 year old yells back 'I don't know, I'll come up and see'.

    She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells 'was I going up the stairs or down?'

    The 92 year old is sitting at the table having tea and listening to her sisters.

    She shakes her head and says 'I hope I never get that forgetful'.

    She knocks on wood for good measure......then yells 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door'


  7. #77
    Technician Max Kilby's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    And just to get us off the subject of old age - here's an old joke:

    Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when... he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

    Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

    "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
    "Clarence," said the bird.

    "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

    The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."


  8. #78
    Service Manager 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Cool Re: Joke of the Day


    Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and didn't leave the house for 5 years.

    It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.


  9. #79
    Service Manager 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Cool Re: Joke of the Day

    A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
    To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
    About 90 students raise their hands.

    "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
    About 40 students raise their hands.


    "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
    About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
    Three students raise their hands.


    "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
    Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.


    The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
    The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

    Hamad replied, "Damn, from way back there I thought you said Goats
    ."




  10. #80
    Service Manager 10,000+ Posts
    Joke of the Day

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    Cool Re: Joke of the Day

    God's sense of humor

    While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

    And then He made the earth round.



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