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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #81
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by manuals4you View Post

    Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and didn't leave the house for 5 years.

    It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.
    Spoken like a ture X husband.

    Rob S


  2. #82
    Dangerous with Tools 1,000+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by manuals4you View Post
    God's sense of humor

    While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

    And then He made the earth round.

    Ha-ha...funny you should bring that one up:

    1. Why did God make women? He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."

    2. One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

    "What's the problem, Eve?"

    "Lord I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

    "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

    "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

    "Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

    "What's a man, Lord?"

    "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego, and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting, kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

    "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

    "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

    "What's that, Lord?"

    "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."


  3. #83
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
    He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an
    optical Aleutian.

    3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
    weapon of math disruption.

    5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

    6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rac k in t he hallway. One hat said to the other,
    'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

    14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

    16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his

    grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

    17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.


    19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    21. A backward poet writes inverse.

    22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

    23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  4. #84
    Senior member of CRS 2,500+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
    The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do?


    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.



    The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, now what?

    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  5. #85
    PHD in Sh!t Disturbing 250+ Posts Shadow's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A NEW SCAM TARGETING OLDER MEN

    Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at night in the street and in dark car parks etc. but this is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
    The scam seems to normally take place at shopping centers Heres how it works:

    Two good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and a widow cleaning product, whilst wearing their low cut skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
    When you thank them they say that they dont want a tip but would like a lift to a nearby McDonald's.
    If you agree, they get into the back seat. On the way, one of them starts to undress and then climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
    I had my wallet stolen on the 4th, 9th, 10th January, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also 1st & 4th February, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, three times already today and very likely again this coming weekend.
    So tell your friends to be careful! What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

    By the way, Tesco has wallets on sale for 1.25 each but I found cheaper ones on E-bay for 99p and therefore have bought a two dozen.

    $hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.........................................................................Lock & Load

  6. #86
    Senior Tech. 2,500+ Posts NeoMatrix's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Businessman is keen to add a bear rug to his set of hunting Trophies,so he hires a professional bear hunter to take him on a safari in the woods.The Businessman turns up at the hunters lodge with his car fully loaded with all sorts of rifles and hunting gear. The hunter says to the businessman "all we'll need is a pistol and my dog, that's it". The businessman was truly taken back by the hunters limited hunting style.

    Ok,so the trio head off into the woods insearch of a bear....

    It wasn't long before the possie came across a small black bear. The dog took off after it just as the bear scrambled up a small tree. The hunter quickly grabbed the tree and started shaking the tree and the bear fell to the ground. Just then the dog mounted the bear and litteraly rooted the bear to death. The businessman was amazed he'd never seen anything like that before. So, he said to the hunter "can I see your dog do that again".

    So the trio headed off in search of another bear...

    The same as before the dog tracked down another bear and had it bailed up in a small tree. The hunter began shaking the tree but the bear didn't fall down. He asked the businessman to help him shake the tree,but the bear would not fall down.

    The hunter said, "ok we have a serious situation,I'm going to go up in the tree after the bear,here is my pistol, if I fall down first shoot that dog..."

    What if we could count the stars... , what number would you stop at...?"
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  7. #87
    just one copy?? 500+ Posts
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    God created man and stood back to admire his handy work,

    "well, it's not bad" he said "but I reckon I can do better"

    So god created woman.

    Once woman was created he began to inspect his work

    "Ah f**k it" he says "She's just gunna have to wear make up"

    I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. ~Thomas Edison

  8. #88
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
    He screams, I slept with your mother! The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
    The first guy again yells, I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!



    The other says, Go home dad youre drunk.

    "You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --

  9. #89
    Service Manager 100+ Posts kyrenecopy's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A rabbi, a priest, a hooker and a duck walk into a bar and the bar tender looks at them and says: "What is this, some kind of joke?"

    Testing 1-2-3, testing, testing. Is this thing on?

  10. #90
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