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"The Serenity Prayer" . . .
God grant me the serenity to accept stupid people , the courage to not waste my time and energy on them , and the wisdom to know that I cannot fix STUPID .
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!"
Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?
Originally Posted by Akitu
Akitunot is exelent
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mother planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
Redneck Computer Terms
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
Some Engineering Terms
A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
CLOSE PROJECT CO-ORDINATION - We know who to blame.
MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It sometimes works ok, but looks very hi-tech.
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered whenever.
PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - It blew up when we threw the switch.
TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing has left.
ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
LIGHTWEIGHT - Falls apart if looked at.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
A Neutron walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What'll it be?"
The Neutron replies, "How much is a beer?"
The Bartender replies, "For you? No charge."
A neutrino walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What'll you have sir?"
The neutrino replies, "Don't worry about me. I'm just passing through."
Two sodium atoms are walking down the road chatting. All of a sudden, one stops and turns to its friend looking worried:
Na#1: "Oh, no... I think I've lost an electron!"
Na#2: "What... are you sure?"
Na#1: "Yes, I'm positive!"
Bob had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick - How you doing?
Bob - Fine. Hey will you do me a favor... go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet are fuckin freezin.
Mick goes up and sees Bob's hot 21 year old twin sisters lying on the bed.
He tells 'em - Your brother sent me up to have sex with both of you.
They say "Prove it."
Mick shouts "Bob... both of them?"
Bob shouts back "Of course!! Whats the point of fuckin one?"
Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?
There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary maths and those who don't
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