Joke of the Day

[Coptech]

3 legged dog hobbles into a saloon and says "I'm lookin for the man that shot my paw"

Gonna have to be old enough to remember some old western movies to get this one.

[HenryT2]

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[HenryT2]

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[HenryT2]

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[Akitu]

A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives.
Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shit". The doctor does another check up on him, and this time prescribes him some extremely powerful laxatives.
Another two weeks pass and the same guy walks in saying, "Doc, I still can't shit". Fearing the worst, the doctor then starts asking him about his family history and his background.
The doctor then gets to the question, "What's your occupation?"
"Well I'm a artist," he states. "A painter by trade."
The doctor then laughs, "That makes sense! Here's five dollars, go eat something".

[ZOOTECH]

[ZOOTECH]

Teacher arrested

Thank Heaven for people like this keeping us safe...A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

[NeoMatrix]

Yeah I heard that KFC was tightening up it's production policies... Straight from Colonel Sanders. ... maybe not....

[Akitu]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were gone, heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had finished the cider and the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the liquor bottle, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa stomped to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[blsquires]

bloke gets in a second hand dealer to clear out his attic.the dealer said I will have a look first to see if anything is worth buying.
he came down from the attic and said well you have a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. wonderful said the man they must be worth millions.
no said the dealer they are worth nothing, Rembrandt makes a crappy violin and I wouldn't even let Stradivarius paint my fence.