Joke of the Day

[Lagonda]

For you who are into .....
Birding, birdwatching, and twitching


Attachment 24831

I learnt to drive on a Falcon just like that, and no, I didn't leave it parked there!

[NeoMatrix]

I learnt to drive on a Falcon just like that, and no, I didn't leave it parked there!

Hmmmm..... suspicious. Are you sure you didn't ACCIDENTLY leave it their during your last driving test ?
Did'nt your driving instructor tell you which rear-end you're suppose to keep an eye on...

[Akitu]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[41-willys]

thanks akitu. my brother was having a bad day, and this should put a smile on his face.

[Tonerbomb]

A woman goes to her gynecologist.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked her doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas".

[Tonerbomb]

The poor Cubs

I was driving home last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago. People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts



at Wrigley Field.


Some guy called in and said, "Why are you all so upset cause someone sent a
goat's head to Wrigley ...



you are the guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House".


I almost ran off the road!!!

[Brian8506]

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how
they make money, do they have golf courses, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the
night and experience one another...
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a
quarter-inch thick.'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate
ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..'

[Akitu]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven".
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God continued "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God said, "Yes, that would be me." "Well," said Arthur , "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!...

• There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
• It chatters constantly at high speeds
• Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
• The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
• The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!"

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there", replied God, "Hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed", God said to Arthur, "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[ZOOTECH]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks.
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks.
"Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.

[Shadow]

Tell me, how do you lose your job on the first day?
That's exactly what happened to this guy!!!!!!!!

unknown.jpg

See what happens when you put your pants on backwards................................