Joke of the Day

[copier addict]

Famous Presidential Lies Contest

LBJ:

• We were attacked (in the Gulf of Tonkin)

Nixon:

• I am not a crook

GHW Bush:

• Read my lips - No New Taxes

Clinton:

• I did not have sex with that woman... Miss Lewinski

Obama:

• I will have the most transparent administration in history.
• The stimulus will fund shovel-ready jobs.
• I am focused like a laser on creating jobs.
• The IRS is not targeting anyone.
• It was a spontaneous riot about a movie.
• I will put an end to the type of politics that "breeds division, conflict and cynicism".
• You didn't build that!
• I will restore trust in Government.
• The Cambridge cops acted stupidly.
• The public will have 5 days to look at every bill that lands on my desk
• It's not my red line - it is the world's red line.
• Whistle blowers will be protected in my administration.
• We got back every dime we used to rescue the banks and auto companies, with interest.
• I am not spying on American citizens.
• Obama Care will be good for America.
• You can keep your family doctor.
• Premiums will be lowered by $2500.
• If you like it, you can keep your current healthcare plan.
• It's just like shopping at Amazon.
• I knew nothing about "Fast and Furious" gunrunning to Mexican drug cartels.
• I knew nothing about IRS targeting conservative groups.
• I knew nothing about what happened in Benghazi.
• I have never known my uncle from Kenya who is in the country illegally and that was arrested and told to leave the country over 20 years ago.
• And, I have never lived with that uncle. He finally admitted (12-05-2013) that he DID know his uncle and that he DID live with him.
• If elected I promise not to renew the Patriot Act.
• If elected I will end the war in Irar and Afghanistan within the 1st 9 months of my term.
• I will close Guantanamo within the first 6 months of my term.
• I will bridge the gap between black and white and between America and other countries.

And the biggest one of all:

• "I, Barrack Hussein Obama, pledge to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America."

Yes it certainly is a joke that you only managed to come up with one lie from Bush.

[Akitu]

Presidential lies...

Keep the political crap elsewhere, this thread is for real jokes.

[Akitu]

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

[NeoMatrix]

Keep the political crap elsewhere, this thread is for real jokes.

POLITICS

Poli- Pretains to Math, science, arts, literature, plastics.
Tics - Living parasite that feeds off other life forms for a freeride through life.

Full Meaning :something created artifical ,capable of logic and substance that feeds of others.

Why wouldn't something like that be a joke when let continue for so long.....

[imihm]

Who's the boss

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

The Brain said "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
The Blood said "No! I should be in charge, because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the Stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the Legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the Eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
Finally the Rectum said "I should be in charge, because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the Rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the Brain had a terrible headache, the Stomach was bloated, the Legs got wobbly,
the Eyes got watery, and the Blood was toxic. They all decided that the Rectum should be the boss
The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge.

Hi all
The saying says (eat to live and not live to eat)

Thanks

[Brian8506]

As I have grown older:


I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.


Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick bastard!

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
VIDEO SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?

[Akitu]

POLITICS

Poli- Pretains to Math, science, arts, literature, plastics.
Tics - Living parasite that feeds off other life forms for a freeride through life.

Full Meaning :something created artifical ,capable of logic and substance that feeds of others.

Why wouldn't something like that be a joke when let continue for so long.....

See, now this was actually funny. None of this "boohoo I don't like who I voted for so I'm going to bitch and moan and ignore facts" crap.

[Akitu]

A man walks into a bar... he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.
"Take this apple."
"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."
"Trust me, try the apple."
The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"
"Yup. Turn it around."
"Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!"
Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in.
"Vodka and tonic please mate"
"Here's an apple."
"I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a..."
"Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer.
He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!"
Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!"
A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate".
"Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!"
"Any flavour?" Asks the third man.
"Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman.
"In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!"
"Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple.
The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar.
"EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like shit!!"
"TURN IT AROUND!!"

[NeoMatrix]

Joke-of-the-day:
Brazil verse Germany semi-final 2014 Soccer World Cup....


Well, some witty bugger was bound to post it...

[ZOOTECH]

How not to pass a sobriety test.


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=3714530620205